diversey grand

A Message from the Corn Refiners Association

2008-11-11T10:44:00.000-08:00

Fun fact: all moms in TV commercials are named Marcia.

Letters to the Editor, or Arguing with Assholes

2008-02-06T17:16:00.000-08:00

Friends, I can exclusively reveal the identity of the person every anonymous troll post on the Internet, every premature leap to Godwin’s Law, and every "well you’re just mad because you’re a hypersensitive pussy and you’re probably ugly" rebuttal. He’s the guy who ruined your favorite online forums, and he might even be the guy who once put fireworks in your mailbox and spraypainted a penis on your garage door. That guy is Steven Wells, and he’s somehow employed as a writer and editor for the Philadelphia Weekly.

Steven Wells is the kind of guy who would steal from a baby, and then loudly berate the baby for crying. Rather, he writes like that kind of guy. I make no claims to his coolness, attractiveness, or ability to win a fight, since I have never met him in person, and I will refrain from making unfounded ad hominem attacks on him and keep my unflattering assumptions to myself.

I found three of his essays, one published today, to the tune of "knitters are ugly and humorless and oh yeah they are also Nazis and let’s kill them." They’re linked below, if you care to explore the stupidity. Sure I knit. Sure I’m mad. I’m mad as a knitter, but I’m also mad as a reader, one who likes her reading material to be well-written, well-researched, and not irrationally spiteful. I want opinion pieces – even the fluffy ones – to make me think something besides "Whoa, who took a dump in this asshole’s socks? Would they benefit from medication?"

Below is my letter to the editors, in its entirety, in case PW decides to put this up in a heavily edited form, or Wells decides to call me a fat cow with PMS and nasal polyps or something equally dumb.

Today I came across a trio of essays written by Steven Wells "Yarn Die," "The Rise of Adolf Knitler," and today's "Knitzkrieg!") and I'm deeply disappointed with the immature tone of his work, the poor quality of his writing, and the idea that someone on your staff thought it worth publishing. Wells' writing is among the shrillest and most spiteful I have ever read, and easily the worst I have read from anyone in a print publication. His hatred of knitters and crocheters is perplexing and hostile enough on its own. His rebuttal to the knitting community's outrage – and the knitting community has every right to be outraged at his ill-informed tripe, though I may disagree with some of their more strongly-worded suggestions – smacks of immature, playground-bully tactics. Implying that people are furious because they're "humorless... smelly hippie whiners" (and apparently ugly, too), rather than Wells' frothing attack on them, is inexcusably disingenuous and offensive.

I knit and crochet, and I learned of Wells' writing through other crafters, though at the end of the day my hobbies are irrelevant. The subject of Wells' hate is, also, ultimately irrelevant. He might as well have been writing about stamp collectors or Trekkies or amateur athletes. Any activity, whether trendy or nerdy, brings out the quirks in us, and most of us are willing to defend the activities we find fulfilling to outsiders who may snicker at us. I don't expect Wells, or any non-crafter for that matter, to understand knitting, and I don't expect him to care about the difference between a needle and a hook. I do expect, however, professional writers to bother to learn about something they don't understand before publishing an inflammatory essay about it. I also expect professionals to refrain from publicly whining about their irrational hatred for a mainstream community of people, and I certainly expect them to avoid using inflammatory cliches such as calling people Nazis and suggesting that they be shot.

I am not just a knitter. I am also a longtime reader of the alternative weekly papers in my area, and a frequent consumer of goods and services advertised in alternative weeklies. If I lived in Philadelphia, I would be squarely in this paper's target audience. If I had been a regular reader of PW, I would no longer be one today.

I am not, as Wells would like to believe, a hypersensitive prig who hates fun and can't take a joke; far from it. I am, however, an intelligent and discriminating consumer with a low tolerance for crap.

One man's "astute parody" is uninformed, poorly reasoned, inappropriate bile in the eyes of thousands of others – and, yes, I would be surprised if anyone other than Wells himself considers his anti-craft vendetta astute, clever, or funny. I'm gobsmacked at the idea that he actually gets a paycheck for writing something that appears to have taken as much mental effort as the average bowel movement.

It's a shame that so many people from across the country have been exposed to these works as their introduction to PW, especially when so many well-written, insightful alternative newspapers are struggling. You owe an apology to a lot of people for publishing this crap. I expect no such apology from Wells, who will probably just make derogatory guesses about my physical appearance and the last time I had sex.

If you are interested, I would gladly submit an article to PW for publication in response to Wells' sound and fury, and would do so gratis. My only concern is that of being associated with a writer of such low quality.

Update: Jim of Notes of Chaos wrote a letter to the PW editors, too, with twice the awesome in a third of the length. I've posted it here with his permission:

I'm not interested in knitting myself, but the first thing I saw on Philadelphia Weekly is Stephen Wells's column about knitters being Nazis.

That seems to be pretty much the whole article: "Knitters are Nazis, and I hate them." No explanation whatsoever about what makes them resemble Nazis. I've seen better writing in angsty teenage blogs, which his column is not far from being.

Seeing that, I figured that your publication was just the result of another bunch of cranks coming together to waste time on the Internet. However, it did have the name "Philadelphia Weekly," not "THE ORC DUNGEON: NO FAT CHIKS." I looked around at the rest of it, and it seems to a pretty normal alternative weekly, with writing standards. So, I just thought that it's probably not in your best interest to pay this guy.

I have to ask, though, is Stephen Wells related to anyone in management? Is some higher-up just giving him something to do?

If you’re a knitter, a crocheter, or if you just hate bad writing, why not drop them a line yourself? I'm sure they'd love to hear from you.

Pattern: Knit Condoms

2008-01-21T18:06:00.000-08:00

This is a very simple pattern, and great for beginning knitters who want to get used to working with smaller needles. It's a good way to use up leftover scraps of sock yarn, or to play around with sock yarn before/instead of knitting a pair of socks. I like using solid-colored cotton if I'll be adding a face, but you can play around with variegated or self-striping yarns for your pleasure. If you're feeling even more adventurous, experiment with different gauges and yarn weights and make a condom hat, condom golf club covers, or a gargantuan condom to cover your bird's cage at night.

(No-duh disclaimer: Not to be used as a prophylactic.)

Size: Medium [Magnum], about 2" [2.5"] diameter when flattened (Medium is shown here in pink, Magnum in lavender)

Materials:
Yarn: Dalegarn Stork (100% cotton) or any fingering-weight yarn of your choice; one skein will make several
Set of 4 or 5 size 0 (2 mm) doublepoint needles, or size needed to produce a solid fabric
Small tapestry needle
Embellishments if desired (e.g. small buttons, beads, sequins, or googly eyes; small amount of embroidery floss; needle for embroidery)

Gauge: 8.5 st/in in stockinette, worked in the round
Exact gauge is unimportant, as long as you work tightly enough to produce a solid fabric.

Pattern:
Cast on 36 [48] st evenly distributed on dpns (9[12] st on each of 4 dpns, or 12[16] st on each of 3). Join, being careful not to twist stitches.
Begin working in stockinette; bottom of work will start to roll upwards as you progress.
Work even until piece measures about 1" [1.5"] less than total desired length. If you want a condom that will stand up on a flat surface, err on the shorter side, since a too-long condom may turn out floppy or have an overly bulky roll at the bottom. If you intend to put it over any long phallic objects, make it longer. I make mine only a couple inches long because I get bored easily.

Next, decrease 6 stitches evenly spaced every other round until you have 6 stitches left. I've broken this out round-by-round as follows:

For Magnum size, work the following decrease rounds. For medium size, skip to the Decrease Rounds (Both Sizes) section.

Decrease Rounds (Magnum Only):
Round 1: [K6, k2tog] six times.
Round 2: Work even.
Round 3: [K5, k2tog] six times.
Round 4: Work even.
Proceed to Decrease Rounds (Both Sizes).

Decrease Rounds (Both Sizes):
Round 1: [K4, k2tog] six times.
Round 2: Work even.
Round 3: [K3, k2tog] six times.
Round 4: Work even.
Round 5: [K2, k2tog] six times.
Round 6: Work even.
Round 7: [K1, k2tog] six times.
Round 8: Work even.
Round 9: [K2tog] six times. 6 stitches on needles.

Work even for 2-3 rounds - this creates the reservoir tip!

Cut yarn, leaving a long enough tail to weave in. Thread yarn end on a tapestry needle. One by one, working in the round, transfer remaining live stitches onto tapestry needle. Pull yarn end taut to close hole and weave in ends.

Embellish with facial features or whatever else you want if desired.

Questions or comments? Email me at diversey.grand at gmail.com. If you send me pictures of your work I'll post them here!

Condom pattern coming soon!

2008-01-08T15:37:00.000-08:00

As promised, I will soon have a knitting pattern for this:

Though probably not before you figure it out yourself.

Worsted Weight Companion Cube!

2007-12-29T09:27:00.000-08:00

The only point of learning any and every craft is to make your own video game-themed accessories. Anyone who's ever had a NES and a crochet hook knows that.

So what do you do when Christmas is coming, you have no idea what to get for your brother, and you've incinerated your only Weighted Companion Cube? You knit your own, of course.

It took me forever, and it didn't turn out perfectly, but I'm still pretty proud of it. And yes, I will share the pattern! Keep an eye on this blog for the next few weeks and I'll get it up.

In the meantime, Weighted Companion Cube and the amigurumi Fighter I made last year can be seen on Joystiq. I'm sort of famous!

Even Sparky likes it!

Nature's Snacks

2007-11-12T19:47:00.001-08:00

While waiting for the train this morning, I saw a ladybug fly straight into a spiderweb. Almost instinctively, I reached down and freed it.

After the little guy flew off, I realized that I just stole some spider's tasty breakfast. Save an insect, starve a spider? A lot of us may be repulsed by the idea of capturing and eating innocent bugs, but the spider has no such scruples. He doesn't have the option of driving to Whole Foods and picking up vegan tofu bug substitute. (Incidentally, this is the very theme of one of my favorite poems.) I didn't mean to punish the spider for its eating habits, though that could be one interpretation of what I did. I just didn't want to see a ladybug get eaten.

It wasn't until I'd actually gotten on the train that I noticed a crushed ladybug exoskeleton stuck to the sole of my shoe.

Oops.

Dammit, People, Stop Trying to Impose Rules on Jeans

2007-11-03T11:46:00.000-07:00

Most people who have heard me talk or read my stream-of-consciousness writing for longer than five minutes are aware of the things I love to complain about. Stupid fashion is one of them, with stupid denim being a particular hot point. Another prickly matter is anything I perceive as a potential threat to my prettiness. I wouldn’t consider myself vain – I would probably say that I am on the cute side of average, all things considered – but attractiveness is something I am judged on as a woman, and until and unless society changes, I will defend my meager advantages any way I can.

So I was pretty piffed to see a recent comment on Ask MetaFilter that read, "Jeans should be worn sparingly at best. If you must leave the house in jeans, they should be dark and fitted properly. Chicks, this means boot cut or the long and lean cut from Gap. No mom jeans. No skinny jeans. None at all if you're above a size 10." The person who posted this already got chewed out enough for her opinion, and I don’t mean to single her out, but oh, please.

Dammit, people, jeans were not invented at the turn of the millenium by Seven For All Mankind for the express purpose of making rich skinny white girls look even more flat-assed. Jeans are for everyone, and there is no law that they have to do your appearance any favors. Otherwise, what would we wear to paint the house, to run errands, or to rush to the emergency room when your wife goes into labor at 4 am? They originated as work pants, and for plenty of people they still are.

One of the things I hate about stupid denim is the current, unrelenting obsession with labels. Let me clear something up once and for all:

Labels are often, well, kinda stupid.

Ditto the increasingly ornate back pocket embroidery that can make asses look like medieval tapestries or, in this case, VW Beetles:

Will the owner of the ass please turn her hazard lights off?

A few more things that need to be cleared up about jeans:

-They don’t actually have to cost more than your utility bill. You can buy your jeans secondhand for $5 a pair and still look good.

-Expensive jeans are expensive because they are expensive. The lovingly hand-finished detailing and precision weathering only accounts for so much of the price tag. Rather, those jeans cost $200 because they figured out that there are enough people willing to pay $200 for them.

-They are not an "investment." Stop fooling yourself into thinking that you'll get 5 years of wear out of that pair of jeans (you might, but it's not a guarantee), or justifying the price by calculating how many times you'll have to wear them for them to cost $5 per wear. There will usually be a pair of jeans that look as good and get you more bang for your buck. Mutual funds are an investment. Good running shoes are an investment, if you run in them regularly. Those jeans are not going to give you any health benefits or money or any noticeable returns other than maybe, just maybe, you will save money on another pair of jeans next year because you already have the perfect pair.

-There is no brand that magically makes everyone look better. There are cuts and colors that will make some people look better, but you do not automatically transform into a sex bomb the moment you put on a pair of $150 jeans. You still look like yourself. Your crotch, legs, and butt look like they did before. I have seen butts in all brands of premium denim, and I have seen butts in Old Navy, and there is no actual difference. (Keep in mind, also, that people concerned enough about their appearance to wear $150 jeans are often concerned enough to embark on rigorous diet and exercise regimens to get themselves in premium denim shape.) If you see an article promising that a certain brand of expensive jeans will make you look gorgeous, don't believe it.

-Moms, wear the mom jeans. Skinny people, wear the skinny jeans. Kris Kross, wear them backwards with pride. Many of us fashion people have your appearance's best interest at heart, but you can always tell us to take a running jump at a rolling donut. Trust yourself and your nearest full-length mirror, and you'll be fine.

-Most importantly, there is no universal canon of jeans. Like all clothes, they’re subject to trends changing. The dark-rinse, boot-cut, two-fingers-below-the-navel jeans that look so good on everyone this decade may not be in favor next decade. Anyone older than twenty should know this. (Anyone older than twenty should also know not to bet they'll be wearing the same jeans size by next decade.) Treat any denim "rules" as guidelines, not law.

The point is, jeans are for all of humanity, not just those in Citizens of Humanity. It doesn't matter whether you're four feet tall or eight, whether you're young or old, whether you're so skinny you can stand with your feet together and throw a football between your thighs or whether you have to wash yourself with a rag on a stick. It doesn't matter if you found those jeans at Saks or in a dumpster. If you can find a pair of jeans that fit comfortably, jeans are for you.

Dammit, Camel.

2007-11-02T17:59:00.000-07:00

Dammit, Camel, I've been happily tobacco-free for eight months. It's gotten to the point where I don't even want a cigarette, ever. But if you keep sending me elaborate, thick promotional packages...

...at least put something in there I can smoke.

Do people even buy the No. 9s? I figure that if women wanted girly cigarettes, they'd buy Mistys or Virginia Slims.

L'esprit de Stutter

2007-11-01T19:32:00.000-07:00

I was in high school when I first heard of l'esprit d'escalier - literally, "staircase wit." Some French guy named Diderot came up with the notion, though I think I read about it in a Sandman issue or something. (I'm just glad it wasn't invented by Seinfeld, because I'd never want to use it then.) Anyway, l'esprit d'escalier is the phenomenon of coming up with the perfect retort long after the fact, supposedly when you have exited the conversation and are going back down the stairs towards your pathetic, non-witty life.

I get bouts of the ol' staircase wit all the time. Who doesn't? It's sometimes taken me years to come up with the very thing I should have said.

My wit's reflexes are crap.

Most of the time, when something happens to inspire a post hoc retort, it's something that completely catches me off guard. I don't engage in verbal sparring, so I don't expect it. It often takes me a minute or two to even register if I'm annoyed or offended by something said to me.

Like this evening, at the gym. An older woman I've seen a few times came up to me and said, conversationally, "Have you lost any weight yet?"

"Mm. Yeah," I mumbled.
"How much?"
What the hell? "Um. Dunno." (This is a lie.)
"'Cause I haven't lost any weight yet!"
"Well, just keep going," I said in a half-hearted attempt at encouragement.

The appropriate response, of course, would have been "THAT is a PERSONAL question!" You'd think I would have figured that out right away. I was certainly thrown by the question, and on some level I did recognize that it was out of line, since I didn't give her the details of my weight loss. But I wish I could have said "hey, that's not right" while still on the Stairmaster, not outside in the stairway.

I don't think she was trying to be offensive. I attributed her question to a misguided but friendly, Jean Teasdale-esque hybrid of curiosity and small talk: "Gee, I've been lifting these three-pound weights twice a week for two weeks and nothing's happened!" But it did make me feel a little bad about myself. After the fact, I thought, Oh my God, I look like someone who works out just to lose weight! I mean, yes, I work out to lose weight, but also to gain muscle strength and energy, and because I've gotten to the point where I kind of like running a mile after a long, hard day of sitting on my butt. And, now that I think about it, I work out so that I won't look like the kind of person who works out just to lose weight.

In situations like this, though, I think our too-slow wits help us rather than hinder us. There are thousands of things I could have said to her, things along the lines of how maybe she'd lose some weight if her workout routine involved any actual physical challenge, or how she has no idea of what exercise I do or how long I've been doing it or how healthy I am and therefore she has no right to judge me or make assumptions. I could have taken the opposite tack and talked her ear off about all of the things over the past six months to get me where I am now. I could have just huffed about how it was a personal question. I did none of those things. I just grunted a noncommittal answer and we were both on our separate ways, she on the treadmill, I on the elliptical. She's probably forgotten about it by now. If I weren't writing about it right now, I would have too. I don't want to punish her or hurt her or teach her a lesson.

I'm fine with just letting it go.

If you ever do think of a great comeback after the fact, all is not lost - there's a blog devoted to such anecdotes.

Meanwhile, I'll check out Diderot's Regrets on Parting with My Old Dressing Gown. That's something I can relate to.

Old Stuff: The Truth About The Truth About Diamonds

2007-10-30T10:48:00.000-07:00

I have been periodically coming across things I've written in the past and want to keep around. This is one of them.

Last year, during a fit of boredom and "it was there," I read The Truth About Diamonds, the "novel" that "Nicole Richie" "wrote." It was about as good as you'd expect it to be. Although Nicole certainly seemed smarter than Paris during that one season of The Simple Life I watched, I have some doubts about her ability to write complete sentences, much less a novel comprising thousands of them.

Behold the unedited manuscript of the first chapter of The Truth About Diamonds:

The truth abt diamands by Nicole Richie (a novel) (which means its not true i made it up!!!!)
chapter one: chloe parker goes to the club and has a sticky sitaiton

Once upon a time chloe parker was a very rich girl who lived in la. she was only in her early twenties and wore a size zero in gautier but a size 00 when she went to kitson and maybe like a size 22 in hudson jeans but I forgot if those come in sizes like zero or those weird sizes with high numbers like in englad. her mom was a supermoddel from and her daddy was a very welthy rich person who owned a rock band, i mean a rock label. she grew up knowing all the celebreties of the time becuase she her parents were a supermodel and owned a record label so she met all the rock stars and singers and moddels and movie actors. and she always got to go to all the most poplar places and wore the best clothes. chloe parker was 5?2 and 2 inches tall and had blond hair that she got hiligted at the best salons in ny and la evry two weeks and blue eyes that were the same color of blue as the pacfic ocean. (chloe parker spelled her name with two .. dots over the o but I dont no how to type the .. over the o. i thougt about putting om the side but it looks stupid like chlo..e parker.
chloe parker it was a gorgeus summer day in la when she woke up one day. it was a beautiful day and she decided to go shopping. but first she met with her personel traner to workout. sha also and then she go to get a manacure. at the best nails place in los angales. her nails were so pretty. "look my nails are so pretty! she said." she drank three redbulls and vodka and haveing a lot of fun. oh ya she was at the club now. and this hott guy was checking her out.
"hello hott guy my name is chloe parker" she said.
he looked at her. "cohle ive heard so much about you! is it true what they say in the tabliods that ur the it girl and the most hott girl in all of la?"
chloe flip her perfectly hilited hair and took one step in her feet with christain lobouboutian shoes on them that were $600. her dress from missoni which is so in right now and all the other girls were jelous."yes its true I am the it girl," chloe said with a tinkely laugh.
"my name is jarod james" said the hott guy. he had six pac abs and a tight watchboard stomach. he had goerges brown eyes and brown hair and that hair on guys faces when they don't shave for like a day but not for too long so theres only a little, and it looked really hott.
"jared james?????" said chloe. who was surprised but she was too cool to let on. "aren't u in that band that evryone likes. fireburn. that is the number one band in the world and the best record of the year?"
jared james strocked his chin that looked like it wasnt been shaved for the day. "yes i am the lead singer of fireburn. it is hard to be a talented musican. and it is hard to so popular and always on tour."
"i know" chole said "it is so busy i cant find time to ever relax and have fun because i am so busy all the time. i cant even find a boyfriend even though my publiscist say i should one."
"really" jerod james looked deeply at chloe and strocked his fingers though his hair. "thats hard to beleive, becuase ur the most beautiful girl in all of hollwood and new york. would u like to go to st barts this weekend and date?"
chloe was so happy that she felt like she must of been the happyest girl in the whole world and maybe the uneverse. "i love st barts" she said. "maybe" she said then because guys like it when you dont say yes right away plus it makes you look cool and not desprite.
"ur very cool u no?" jarod james said to chloe with a love in his eyes.
all of the sudden just then the door to the ladys bathroom in the club just burst open and a skinny girl with mystic tan and a dior outfit that was black and white and sparkelly burst out from the door of the bathroom! she looked very very scared.
"chloe parker come quick!!" she siad. linsay lohan is unconcous because she just overdossed on cocane!!!!!!"

Old Stuff: Seemingly Obvious (But Apparently Not) Rules of Fashion

2007-10-30T10:37:00.000-07:00

I have been periodically coming across things I've written in the past and want to keep around. This is one of them.

(...I realize that all of these so far are geared toward women. I don't mean to be sexist, it's just that I'm more familiar with women's fashion transgressions.)

1. With the exception of undergarments, never wear anything within three shades of your skin tone.
2. If a garment is wider than it is long, it will make you look wide.
3. Fewer people than you think care how much your jeans cost.
4. In public, no one can tell what size your clothes are. However, everyone can tell when they're too small.
5. Flowy, lightweight knit garments are very comfortable. Sometimes they are flattering. Many times they simply show whether your bra fits, the exact location of your cellulite, and how much you should have tipped your bikini waxer. Wear with caution.
6. Either you put on makeup before you leave the house, or you go without. Seriously, don't apply mascara on the train.
7. There are zero compelling reasons to wear white pants and about eight hundred reasons not to wear them.
8. The following should NEVER be noticeable: lipliner, blush, eyebrow grooming, deliberate tanning, presence or absence of undergarments, tooth whitening, cosmetic surgery.
9. Use the same judgment in exposing your lower abdomen as with your cleavage. (For the remedial class, this means NOT AT WORK.)
10. Unless you have a legitimate medical reason otherwise, KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED. You
could look like Audrey Hepburn with your lips together, but that weird toothy grimace will only draw comparisons to Napoleon Dynamite and sharks.
11. If you dress in an attention-seeking way, you will get attention. And it's not guaranteed to be positive.
12. Pants with lettering across the butt cheeks are never acceptable on anyone, ever, regardless of age or gender or size. It doesn't matter whether "Dolce & Gabbana" or "Harvard Alumni" is written across your ass; the message will invariably be something like "Ask Me About My Backdoor Siesta Rates."
13. A skirt is only as long as its highest slit.
14. It's easier, cheaper, and often more attractive to work with your natural features than to try and change them.
15. Thongs create more problems than they solve and should be used only as a last resort.
16. Rhinestones and sequins do not automatically make clothes classier or dressier, and in fact frequently have the opposite effect.

More rules to come.

Realistic Naked Action

2007-10-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, a naked woman asked me where I got my underwear.

...I like saying it like that, removing the context and reducing the details so that it's still true, but sounds completely absurd. Like the time I was in an airplane that, while still in the gate, had a "ground incident" where a passing truck clipped its wing. (It was kind of frightening to see how much damage the wing took from it.) It's not completely inaccurate to say that I survived a collision in a plane. Or, more accurately and succinctly, my plane got hit by a truck.

So it probably makes it sound less crazy when I specify that the naked woman and I were in the locker room at the gym.

Though I'm not sure the context made it any less awkward. I'm not used to talking to strangers even when they're clothed. What do you say in return when a naked person compliments your undies? "I like your butt"?

Knit amigurumi condoms!

2007-10-16T14:49:00.001-07:00

I do sometimes make things that impress even myself.

For novelty purposes only. Not to be used as a contraceptive. Will not prevent transmission of STDs. But you probably figured that out yourself, right?

I knit these over a year ago, and I am still convinced they are the greatest things I've ever made. They are approximately the right size, if a little short when unrolled. I will make more one day, perhaps to sell in clever adult toy boutiques if anyone wants any.

Pattern: self-created pattern
Needles: size 0 dpns
Yarn: Dalegarn Stork (left), Knit Picks Simple Stripes (right)
Size: *snicker*
Finished: 2006

Look for the pattern in a future post, though anyone who's knit a hat in the round will likely figure this out just from the picture.

Two things I almost ate today but didn't

2007-10-16T11:28:00.001-07:00

1. Mini-cupcakes from 7-Eleven with "CHOCOLATE BUTTER CREEM" [sic] frosting.

2. M&Ms from a large bag in the kitchen, labeled "Medium Bag."

Judging from the packaging alone, it's probably a good idea I put neither in my mouth.

It's been a while!

2007-10-07T22:32:00.000-07:00

Fear not, I'm still smelling and looking as good as ever. Check me out on Puffery, a group project where we discuss all the products that appeal to our girly sensibilities.

Additionally, keep an eye on the Diverseyspace for a redesign and repurposing. It won't happen overnight, but if I get off my lazy duff, it will happen one day.

Britney Spears - In Control

2006-03-16T12:41:00.000-08:00

Really.

In Control follows two obnoxiously popular fragrance trends: the Celebrity Fragrance, and the Spinoff Fragrance (see also: Miami Glow and Love at First Glow, we get it, J. Lo). I keep wanting to call this "In Curious."

Britney, you can't even put on shoes before you leave the house. No perfume launch is going to convince me that you're in control of anything.

Frederic Malle - Lipstick Rose

2005-11-04T14:39:00.000-08:00

Okay okay okay OKAY I am the laziest blogger that has ever blogged a blog, and I apologize for not stinking as much as I should.

See, the reason is that anytime something I do requires effort, it stops being fun, which is why I am terrible at following my dreams and achieving my goals.

The other reason is that I have been wearing Lipstick Rose just about every day for the past forever, and my life is now complete.

You can get the Frederic Malle Editions de Parfum at Barneys, but their shipping is like $12 so you might want to check Ebay first.

Today I tried on MAC Violetrix (which is not on their website right now, so I'm confused) and Prescriptives Calyx and they both have a little bit of a wax-crayon undertone, which I like. Maybe I'm crazy.

Oh, and Beyonce's apparently going to be at the Marshall Field's on State Street in Chicago next Tuesday. But I probably won't.

Axe - Play or Be Played??

2005-10-03T11:41:00.000-07:00

I just received the most charming email from Axe today:

Hi. It’s your friends from AXE and we’ve noticed that you’ve been spreading the good word about us lately in your blog.

So to say thanks; we’d like to send you some of your favorite AXE products or better yet, exclusive or limited-edition AXE fragrances before they hit shelves. Let us know if you’re interested by simply replying to this email and we’ll start sending you the goods. Just include your name, age, email and address if you’d like to receive some AXE advantages.

In addition, AXE is doing some really unique stuff that we want to let you in on, especially since you’ve been so nice to us. We want to give you the heads up about the latest AXE adventure. Basically, AXE asked two regular guys, best friends Evan and Gareth, to spend 3,688 hours of their lives picking-up girls in seven cities across the country – talk about the ultimate road trip.

Better yet, Evan and Gareth’s job (if that’s what you’d call it) is to test out different pick-up moves on girls and record them on their vlog for all eyes to see. They’re like seduction crash test dummies, taking hits for guys everywhere. They just left the craziness of Vegas and they’re heading to New York City as we speak; you should check it out – EvanandGareth.com.

Below is a link that will take you to three Evan and Gareth videos. The “Talkback” clip gives you the breakdown of how the Evan and Gareth story began and the other two videos will give you the first look (because nobody likes sloppy seconds) at some of the scandalous Evan and Gareth footage that isn’t on the site just yet, but will be soon.

In “The Seduce-O-Rama,” you’ll see Lars and Broch, two guys AXE brought in to compete against Evan and Gareth, throwing around their game. AXE thought Evan and Gareth were getting a bit sloppy, and there’s no room for that in the hook-up game. And finally, in “Doing The Monkeybang” you’ll find out who came out on top with the ladies at the end of the night.

http://66.226.84.62/blogger_videos.zip [Note: I'm too terrified to click on this, so proceed at your own risk.]

And as another way of saying thanks; we’d love to send you some exclusive AXE goods, such as pre-released videos or never-seen-before ads, which all your friends will be vying for. Just let us know if you’re in and stay tuned for more AXE sneak peaks [sic].

Peace.

AXE

Oh god.

2005-09-22T11:28:00.000-07:00

Jennifer Lopez also has a new fragrance out. It smells like green apple barf. Celebrities can't do anything right.

I saw a TV commercial for Fantasy last night, starring Britney and Kevin. I don't think I need to comment on the concept of Kevin Federline being anyone's fantasy.

Finally, Celine Dion knows where I live. A few days ago, out of the blue, I got a sample card of two of her fragrances in the mail.

Don't y'all know I don't like you?

Britney Spears - Fantasy

2005-09-15T14:43:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned this morning, today Fantasy Britney Spears, or Britney Spears' Fantasy, or whatever, hits the stores. I still think the bottle is horrid. The box it comes in is real pretty, though.

And here's the surprise: it smells pretty good.

It's a fruity fragrance, which is strange considering its fall launch. Sorta tropical-pineappley. It's light and not at all overpowering; on the other hand, it's not too different from what you might find at Victoria's Secret. It stays nice on the drydown: still fruity, with a little bit of brown sugar.

I don't smell the cupcakes at all.

$45 for a small bottle, $55 for a big one. Your local department store is sure to have it.

Britney Spears Launches Baby, Perfume

2005-09-15T08:06:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to Britney Spears on the birth of lil' Kozie! Or whatever his name is; I bet it'll start with a K. Kitney Spederfine?

I promise this is relevant. From E! Online:

The arrival of Spears' baby nearly coincides with Thursday's launch of Spears' new fragrance. In a note to fans, the singer described Fantasy Britney Spears as a "completely magical" blend of "enchanting scents and flavors," with "a hint of cupcakes."

Oh my gawd, that's TODAY! I'm gonna do some research. I do love cupcakes.

...By the way, is anyone else disturbed about the pattern of rhinestones across the neck of the bottle that looks creepily similar to a Confederate flag?

Guess - Eau de Parfum

2005-08-23T09:18:00.000-07:00

I remember when Guess was the coolest label, when "designer jeans" automatically meant Guess, when $60 seemed like an insane price for a pair of jeans but, like, totally worth it.

I was nine.

Guess is no longer cool. The Guess of the new millenium is derivative and tacky. Guess is the reason why the popular girls laugh at the girls with Gs printed all over their handbags. Guess is what you get when you can't afford taste, and baby, they sell taste at Old Navy, so what's your excuse?

Guess is for girls who were abandoned by their mothers and raised by Lindsay Lohan.

You may protest that of course Guess is still cool; after all, they have a new fragrance out this fall. Which... you're calling this blend of air-freshener floral and Play-Doh a fragrance? And who designed that bottle? I'm so grossed out by it that I can't think of an appropriately cutting comment regarding the designer's taste and/or eyesight problems.

In short, some perfumes just make you want to kick puppies. This is one of them.

And by the way, 7 For All Mankind, this is your future. Best to quit while you're ahead.

Fresh Scents by Terri - Zoe

2005-08-19T15:33:00.000-07:00

I have turned into a deadbeat blogger. Oh my gawd.

And the timber industry is apparently interested in my writing. Anybody want some penn,y st0cXs? I didn't think so. You also don't want to be |@nger and str@n;ger for your w@man, because your self-esteem is good enough as it is, you value proper spelling, and you hate spam. Sorry; I'm seething.

Terri's got a good Fresh Scent going on with Zoe; the official description is basically "musk, musk, and more musk," but this stuff smells nice and clean. Just... just nice and clean; it doesn't smell like anything to me. Great stuff, not overpowering at all, lifts the spirits.

Did Fresh Scents By Terri go up in price recently? I'm not sure. I hear all the cool kids like this stuff, though.

Sarah Jessica Parker - Lovely

2005-08-08T12:45:00.000-07:00

I'm dragging my feet here, I know, and I'm sorry. It's the middle of summer, it's hot, and the last thing I want to do is smell anything. Nevertheless, we're moving onward.

I've always thought that if celebrities wanted their own clothing lines, perfumes, and so on, they shouldn't be allowed to put their name on it. It's just so much more credible that way. I'm no celebrity, but if I were, and believe me I have given this quite a bit of thought, I'd want to have a major hand in designing the clothes or the perfume, and not have my name anywhere on the label, but maybe have a press release mentioning my name in conjunction with the brand. That way, people would hopefully know that I was actually interested in the creative process behind the product, not making yet more money or turning my name into a brand.

Sarah Jessica Parker has not gone that particular route.

Part of me wants to like Sarah Jessica Parker for showing the world that women with a face like my middle-school science teacher can indeed be glamorous, and for setting a new standard for fashion. Each day before I leave the house, I ask myself, "Has Sarah Jessica Parker ever worn something at least this ridiculous and unflattering on Sex and the City?" If the answer is yes, I'm free to go.

But I simply can't like her. I have a lot of trouble distinguishing her from her SATC character, Carrie, with her squeaky voice and assy column-writing and shoe closet stuffed with neuroses. I want to slap Carrie, and I want to smack the show for popularizing the trend of girly drinks posing as legitimate martinis. (I call 'em fifis, because they're fluffy and I refuse to call them martinis.)

So I will never like Lovely. Because it's a celebrity fragrance, because it smells like apple martini (excuse me, you mean applefifi), and because LOOK AT THAT UGLY-ASS AVON REJECT BOTTLE.

Also, it smells too much like that cheap J. Lo fragrance.

Diptyque - L'Ombre Dans L'Eau - Update

2005-08-02T14:42:00.000-07:00

When I last updated, I'd tried out some L'Ombre Dans L'Eau. I got some of it on my watch band, and I think it's important to note that my watch still smelled good a week later. I can still smell it on my watch, barely. It's quite a lovely fruity-rosy scent.

I'm not sure if this is widely practiced, but I recommend applying fragrance to clothing rather than to skin, provided the fabric won't react weirdly to the ingredients. This is especially useful if you have a perfume you like that smells funny when it reacts with your skin. In fact, it's the only way I can wear Angel.

By the way, Marshall Field's has a new collection of candles; I forget the brand name, but it's something weird. They're expensive and the only one that smells any good is Chai Tea, so it's really not important that anyone know the name. So.

Diptyque - L'Ombre Dans L'Eau

2005-07-23T21:23:00.000-07:00

At the moment, Diptyque commands a range of twelve toilet waters, eight of which have their matching soaps, not to mention the toilet vinegar. -- Diptyque's website

I shouldn't laugh, but "not to mention the toilet vinegar" is the greatest sentence fragment of all time. (Is that a participle phrase? It's been ten years since I've had a grammar class.) It's one of those phrases that you can just tack on the end of any sentence to make it more funnier, kind of like how you add "in bed" to the end of your fortune cookie fortunes.

Diptyque's known for their schmancy candles. Not by me, though; I have yet to smell a Diptyque candle that really knocks my socks off.

L'Ombre Dans L'Eau eau de toilette, however, is awesome. It smells like, I don't know, pomegranate. Or fig. Or... well, the description says black currant and Bulgarian rose.

And it's lasted nine hours on me, and still going strong. No joke. Go Diptyque!

I kind of wonder if this could be a unisex fragrance. I'm all for guys smelling like something other than blue-tinted aftershave with a picture of a mountain on the bottle. When I was a kid, I used to wonder why perfume smelled like what girls liked (flowers and sweet things) and cologne smelled like what guys liked (mountains? Really Ripped Abs?) -- because wouldn't girls be attracted to smelling something that they liked? Wouldn't they want to date a boy who smelled like their favorite pretty flowers? I was a weird kid.

Sixty bucks gets you 50 ml (1.7 oz); it's available at Beautyhabit. Not to mention the toilet vinegar.

Escada - Rockin' Rio

2005-07-19T21:35:00.000-07:00

Experience the sensual rhythm of the samba and the sultry warmth of the... yeah, shut up. Don't go to Escada's website because it's one of those obnoxious websites that's all, "I'm best viewed with XX resolution. Here, let me maximize the screen for you! No, trust me, you want the screen maximized. I'll just disable the resize button for you."

Escada just might be up for a Diversey Hates Your Web Design nomination, and maybe even win a golden statuette in the shape of Jay Manuel.

(Please tell me you didn't click the Jay Manuel link.)

Anyway, it just isn't summer without Escada whapping you across the nose with some limited-edition tropical scent. Rockin' Rio, despite the lame name and lamer box, is really pretty good. Like mango or peach, or something similarly orange and fuzzy.

A far sight better than Ibiza Hippie, which is nice, seriously, but it smells like a Strawberry Shortcake doll and is not worth the $50 or whatever they charged.

If you must have a limited-edition fruity fragrance, get something from the Victoria's Secret Garden collection. They cycle through fragrances faster than members of Menudo, and they all have names only slightly more cheesier than Escada's. And they all smell, as a Vicky's Secret sales associate charmingly put it, "like sweaty kids and Kool-Aid."

But everyone who wants Rockin' Rio probably won't be dissuaded by me. And they've probably already bought theirs, leaving you lucky fellows to buy it for cheap. Try Froogling it.

Ugh. I feel dirty in an especially fruity way. I wouldn't have reviewed this one if I hadn't received a free sample at Ulta.

Funny, You Don't Smell Cheap

2005-07-19T15:19:00.000-07:00

Hello, everybody. I just finished the new Harry Potter, and I'm reading it again to make sure I didn't miss anything. By the way, the "error" on page 485? So not an error. Slughorn never gets Ron's name right. Duh.

That's not really a spoiler, by the way. Also, this is not a spoiler either: One of the new potions smells different to each individual: it smells like whatever their favorite scent is. Oh man, I want to be a wizard perfumer when I grow up. Why am I a Muggle?

By the way, years ago on All That I saw a Harry Potter parody skit which took place in Professor Chafe's Magical Lotions class, and Professor Chafe was always so cranky and mean because his thighs chafed, and he needed to invent a magical lotion to stop the chafing. I tried to find a transcript, but with no luck.

At any rate, with all this reading going on, it's kind of hard to find good things to smell. But here we go anyway:

If you love Prada eau de parfum, but find it too expensive, consider the refill, at $65 for 2.7 oz. Refills are always cheaper; it's just a matter of whether you prefer the nice packaging (or whether the refill is useable without it). Maybe you can find an empty bottle and split some Prada with your best friend. You'll have to work out custody of the cute Prada funnel for yourselves, though.

Also, Shalimar is available for cheap at every TJ Maxx in the universe. It's worth the $14, really. Full review coming soon.

If you're looking for something really cheap, though, check out Herbal Essences' Citrus Lift, at drugstores and Volde-Mart ("The Store That Must Not Be Named"). Smells kinda like a fruity green-tea smoothie.

And there's The Healing Garden's new Organics Wild Honey line. The little tester bottle in the display smells a little like honey, but once you spray it, it really doesn't. But it's still a lovely fragrance that's not too heavy, sultry, loud, overpowering, or cheap-smelling. You know that the "72% Organic" means that the remaining 28% is made out of the hearts of the endangered Bowtied Duckfoot Adoracubby. Also, why is Jewel the spokesperson? Jewel is dumb.

On a whim, I picked up some Axe shower gel in Essence or some such scent. I'm assuming it will help me pick up chicks. Which brings me to...

Exciting Announcement! I'm looking for guys who will help research this so-called "Axe Effect." If you write well, are easily persuaded by cheap advertising, think Maxim is classy, enjoy picking up chicks, and want to become a wildly (or mildly) famous contributor to Diversey Stinks, email me for the chance to participate in an exciting, barely-scientific study! No, don't comment. Email. Email.

Lush - More Flying Fox products

2005-07-18T15:28:00.000-07:00

I meant to tell y'all that the awesome nasal assault that is Flying Fox shower gel is now available in shampoo and solid perfume forms (as well as the sparkly bath bomb). I'm not quite sure why they have a separate shampoo, since Flying Fox shower gel can be used to wash your hair, but there you go. I own the "temple balm"--seriously, do not actually use it on your temples unless you want to lose your sense of smell, because that stuff is strong. A little dab'll do ya. I mean, if you want to get back at someone, you might rub the entire tin of temple balm into their hair while they're sleeping. But if you want to be (and smell) nice, just use a tiny tiny bit.

Lush usually has new products on their website first, and they show up in stores a few weeks later. Flying Fox balm should be in all Lush stores, but I haven't seen the shampoo anywhere but online.

I Don't Like Perfume Very Much Either

2005-07-15T11:51:00.000-07:00

Christopher Brosius--formerly of Kiehl's, co-founder of Demeter and the guy behind the new and heavily-hyped CB I Hate Perfume line--is getting a lot of press as of late. (Thanks to my girl Lura for the link.) Now Smell This (a way more thorough and informative blog than mine, and recommended reading) has an interesting interview with him.

I don't think I like Brosius very much. I can't really put my finger on why. But anyone who had a hand in creating Cumming can't be all that bad.

For outre fragrances, I'm more drawn to Comme des Garcons. I'm not sure who the perfumer is, and I don't feel like searching, but I'm kinda in love with CdG's Rei Kawakubo.

I did just receive a whole ton of Demeter samples the other day. Should be interesting.

Chanel - No. 19

2005-07-14T16:49:00.000-07:00

I've always had a thing for strange numbers and measurements, like the "Speed Limit 27 MPH" sign in my hometown, or 67-watt light bulbs. So I thought it would be cool to wear one of the non-No. 5 Chanel fragrances as my signature scent.

Alas, not 19, because it smells like bourbon and baby powder.

Which, by the way, is the absolute worst thing you can smell when it's 8 in the morning, you didn't sleep well the night before, and you haven't had breakfast.

The Celebrity Dork Curse

2005-07-08T13:49:00.000-07:00

dahli9 asks: Do you visit your fan sites?

jessica_alba_17: I have seen them a few times, and I'm really flattered! I can't believe anyone would spend any kind of time on me because I'm such a dork!! :-)

One more curse before I go on vacation: The Celebrity Dork Curse.

How it works is this: Whenever a good-looking celebrity claims to be "such a dork," or to have been one while growing up, something will happen to prove s/he actually is such a dork, and the public will witness it.

For example, Jessica Alba would be photographed picking her nose and eating it, or getting rejected by a Xena lookalike at a Star Trek convention.

Soi-disant dork Britney Spears has already been hit pretty hard by this curse.

All right, I'm outta here until next week!

Vacation!

2005-07-08T13:22:00.000-07:00

Diversey Stinks will be on vacation until July 14. Happy Bastille Day!

Coming up: More Demeterpalooza.

Demeter - Wet Garden and Flower Show

2005-07-08T10:35:00.000-07:00

It's pretty evident that I love perfume. I love scented everything, pantiliners excluded. I love the chapter in Fast Food Nation where the author visits International Flavors & Fragrances and learns about the flavoring industry. I think you're supposed to be grossed out that the flavors and scents of just about everything are created in a lab, but I find it fascinating. Maybe I should work there.

However, I couldn't help but think, "If they can synthesize the flavor of grilled onions and olives and french fries, why can't they get a good banana flavor?" I kind of like banana candy, but it tastes like chemicals.

I feel the same way about some floral fragrances. There is no better scent than outdoor plants, flowers, and grasses in springtime, where you can't really tell where the fragrance is coming from.

Perfume, on the other hand, is like a flower kicking you in the nose.

I'm undecided about Demeter's Wet Garden. Sometimes it smells so real, but other times it's kind of the Pamela Anderson of flowers. It's complex, and light (yet strong), and green. It's a little overpowering, and not as earthy as I'd hoped, but it's still a good floral.

I really like Flower Show at first sniff. Surprisingly, it's not as complex as it sounds; it's mostly rose. For the first couple of minutes, it smells exactly like real roses in a rose garden. As it wears on, it deepens, and becomes a rose-perfume scent. I have wondered if maybe I just have a different (and wrong?) perception of what roses smell like. To me, they smell light and sweet, sometimes like conversation hearts, so most rose perfumes disappoint me.

I have found my ideal rose scent, though. It's The Healing Garden Green Tea line. Yeah, I don't get it either. Perhaps this is what they mean by tea roses? I'm really not sure.

I like to wear Wet Garden and Flower Show together. I'm not sure if they actually go together, but they are similar, and authentic enough to put me in a springy state of mind.

It'll be interesting to see what other Demeter florals smell like. I'm beginning to think that with Demeter, the more unperfumelike the scent is, the more true-to-life it is.

Demeter - Earthworm

2005-07-07T10:54:00.000-07:00

Like Dirt, but better. I think a lot more people would recognize this as a "dirt" fragrance than the original Dirt. Lasting power isn't so great, but hey, that's Demeter for you.

I don't know what actual earthworms smell like. I remember from kid-school that they have five hearts, and I think if you want to cut a worm in half and have it survive, each side has to include some hearts. I didn't know they were hermaphrodites.

Ebay usually has tons of great Demeter stuff.

Hermes - 24, Faubourg

2005-07-05T10:09:00.000-07:00

So by now, everybody knows that Oprah was denied access to Hermes in Paris, either because she was black or because the store was already closed.

Oprah, I like you. I believe racism is as serious as a heart attack, honestly I do. But: Shut up, Oprah. The store was closed. I've been turned away from closed stores countless times. Many of those times, there wasn't even a store employee to turn me away! It was just dark and locked and I couldn't get anyone's attention. It must be because I'm 1/16th black.

Of course, maybe they turned her away because she was fat.

Trashy tabloids report that Oprah was all "Do you know who I am??" I don't know, Oprah, do they? Do Parisians actually know their American talk show hosts? I kinda hope not. In the Gazette, as quoted from the Sun-Times article above:

"Everyone has endured something like this. Fortunately few of us fly into 'don't you know who I am?' mode. This is Paris, Madame Winfrey, not Chicago. Even if they know who you are, they just don't care."

I instantly hate anyone who pulls the "Do You Know Who I Am" card. Yes, I'm looking in your direction, Mischa Barton. (I honestly wish I didn't know who Mischa Barton was.)

Therefore, I hereby cast the Do You Know Who I Am Curse upon everyone in the entire universe, effective now.

The effects of the DYKWIA Curse are simple: whenever a person says "Do you know who I am?!?" (sarcasm doesn't count), something will happen that will seriously undermine the speaker's fame, clout, reputation, finances, or social status. For example:

Spurned Celebrity: Do you know who I am?
Repo Man: Mish-ka Barton, we're here to repossess your house.
New York Post Reporter: (furiously scribbles on notepad)

Or:

Spurned Celebrity: Do you KNOW who I AM?!
Restaurant Bouncer: Sure do, May-sha. You're the skank from the OC who caught genital stinkpox from a three-toed sloth.
Mischa Barton's Gynecologist and Bronx Zoo Expert: (in unison) It's true!
Paris Hilton: (fron inside restaurant) Gross. (throws her vodka-and-hydrofluoric-acid on Mischa's vintage YSL jacket)
New York Post Reporters: (high-five and scribble furiously)

So y'all better watch out. That's a curse on you, a curse on you, and a curse on you.

But anyway, Oprah's not going to be buying anything from Hermes anytime soon. Which, despite the race card brouhaha, is wise, because their perfumes suck. 24, Faubourg is probably the address where Grand-mere Catlady lives, and dusts her cats with forty-year-old fragranced dusting powder.

Demeter - Croquembouche

2005-07-04T21:33:00.000-07:00

I'm on a Demeter kick. If only Demeter had a sampling program, my life would be perfect. Oh, and a Garden Hose Pick-Me-Up spray. Why no garden hose? Where my hose at? 'Cause the distinctive smell of garden hose takes me straight back to childhood, playing in the sprinklers during the summer, watering the lawn (though badly) with my dad, and those rare occasions where I actually got to drink from the hose, which was the best of all. I'm not quite sure why tepid, hose-flavored water was such a treat, but it was. Ooh, ooh, and I remember when I discovered that it looked really cool when I swung the hose in circles, or from side to side, and the water came out all cool-looking. And I used to love identifying the duct-tape cracks in the hose and washing my toes with the tiny leaks of water. Not to mention all the water-themed games I played, and I'm not talking Slip'N'Slide (though that was kind of fun if you didn't put your slide over any rocks or tree roots). I used to turn the hose on at the top of the slope of my backyard, and create waterfalls and completely erode the yard. I'd turn my ditch into a river and float bits of grass down towards the driveway. I used to play Mudman and Mr. Clean on the swing set, with me playing both parts: Mudman would take over the slide by smearing mud all over it, but then Mr. Clean would save the day by hosing it off, much to Mudman's chagrin. And then: waterslide! In 1987, this was my best invention yet. My tailbone's still a little creaky from so many hard landings off of the Mr. Clean waterslide.

In short: Demeter, get cracking on the Garden Hose spray.

Anyway. This croquembouche thing. I've never eaten a croakingbush, but I have this wonderful fantasy of some sorta cream-puff with a crackly burnt-sugar shell.

The name "croquembouche" sounds like a French villain. Like:

COSETTE: Monsieur Croquembouche, s'il vous plait, please give that money back to the orphanage!
CROQUEMBOUCHE: Ah, but cherie, zees contract says it is now mine! I need ze money to buy a FryDaddy grand enough to deep-fry my favorite treat: puppies! Oh ho ho ho hoh!
COSETTE: Monsieur, non! Not les petits puppies! (sobs)

And then Jean Valjean, Asterix, and that candlestick from Beauty and the Beast show up and shove that evil Croquembouche into his own deep-fat fryer, whereupon it is discovered that he's not human, but actually a monster made of sugar and whipped cream, and the delicious croquembouche is created.

To be honest, there are a frillion Demeter fragrances that I'd buy before something like Croquembouche, but the gals at Makeup Alley (one of my favorite websites, by the way) gave it such glowing reviews that I figured, well, why not? I've noticed, by the way, that quite a few Makeup Alley members are nuts about sweet, bakery-like "foody" smells. I like them on occasion, but I've smelled enough vanilla-sugary fragrances. They're like the family films of the perfume world: when you're young enough, you like them all, and it doesn't really matter that they're all the same. Eventually you outgrow most of them, but you never abandon the really well-made ones.

Anyway, to the point: I was a little disappointed in this fragrance.

More to the point: WAITER, THERE'S CILANTRO IN MY CROQUEMBOUCHE!!

Yeah. No. No, I don't get it. It smells like cilantro. It's not that alcoholy scent that perfumes have when you first apply them. It's definitely something different, and it's definitely not croquembouchey. Furthermore, I hate cilantro. I've actively tried to like it, and I like it for the first bite, but after that, it's no good. It's the culinary equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. To me, it tastes like surgery, and I'm sorry, but that's the association I get. (Rumor has it that cilantro-hating is genetic.)

The cilantro scent lingers for about ten to twenty minutes, longer than any off-odor should reasonably stick around, and then it turns into a surprisingly pleasant, but generic, caramel-vanilla-foody smell.

A few hours after that, it fades into a chocolate-cakey scent, almost identical to Palmer's Cocoa Butter Lotion. Or maybe I was wearing Palmer's at the time. I'm not sure.

Anyway, buy some Palmer's, because it's my new favorite lotion. Don't buy any Croquembouche. I'd send it back, but I'm too lazy.

Hermes - Eau des Merveilles

2005-06-28T14:42:00.000-07:00

More like Eau de Robitussin. Quel dommage.

I've generally been unimpressed with Hermes' fragrances. Un Jardin sur le Nil, however, is quite nice. There was a great story about it in the New Yorker a while back (thanks to Hung for the link).

Hermes' website is quite cute. I think I want a Hermes coffee mug.

Demeter - Summer Vacation

2005-06-27T16:31:00.000-07:00

I remember when I first heard of Demeter fragrances, and I thought they were the coolest things ever. (And if you think so too, you might want to keep an eye on CB I Hate Perfume. So far I'm not impressed, but maybe something interesting will come out of it.) I thought smelling like dirt was a great idea, so I bought a bottle, and people would ask, "Why do you want to smell like dirt?" And then they'd say, "That doesn't smell like dirt, it smells like flowers." Which, no, it smells like dirt. It's interesting how some things smell really good if you remove the scent from its context.

It's also interesting how scents easily remind you of certain things, which I believe is the intent behind Summer Vacation, which is exclusively available (and out of stock) at Sephora. I smell this stuff and feel sunburned right away. It reminds me of thick, white sunscreen with a ridiculously high SPF, and my mother rubbing it on my shoulders and face, and getting burned anyway. It really does smell like summer vacation.

And it really actually smells like orange flower and chemicals. (The chemically smell is what makes it summer vacationy, I'm guessing. If Demeter really wanted to capture the essence of summer, they'd add a chlorine note in there.) The orange flower note lasts quite a while, longer than the chemical smell, longer than most Demeter sprays. When I first tried it out, I was smelling it the next day.

I wonder, though: is Summer Vacation the same as Suntan? If so, I've been had. Limited edition indeed.

Coming Attractions

2005-06-24T16:36:00.000-07:00

I apologize for not updating as frequently as you all would like.

I will have a review of a very special fragrance for you within the next two weeks.

Also coming soon: lots of Body Shop reviews, more Demeter, more Bond No. 9, and perhaps my personal fragrance wish list. After all, what's the use of having a blog if you can't use it to persuade others to buy you presents?

Hummer - Eau de Toilette

2005-06-20T15:09:00.000-07:00

This review brought to you by Blind Date Theater.

Guy: Hey, Girl.

Girl: You must be Guy. Um, pleased to meet you.

Guy: I must say, you're looking great tonight. That's a beautiful dress.

Girl: Thanks...

Guy: It would look even better on the fl-

Girl: What's that smell?

Guy: Smell?

Girl: Something smells like Deep Woods Off! Like, the bug spray. (wrinkles her nose) Is it you?

Guy: No, I don't think...

Girl: It is you! Why are you wearing bug spray?

Guy: I'm not wearing bug spray! I'm wearing... Hummer.

Girl: Hummer? Like the ugly yellow SUV?

Guy: They're not ugly! They're awesome. Have you ever been in a stretch Hummer? Those things are awesome!

Girl: Maybe if I were ever going to an off-road VIP event. Why would you want to smell like a car?

Guy: It doesn't smell like a car...

Girl: Well, it really smells like bug spray. Seriously. Hummer? Who are you kidding? If you want to wear a perfume with a designer label, why don't you wear Gucci?

Guy: But Hummers are cool!

Girl: And if you want to smell like bug spray, why don't you just wear bug spray? It's cheaper and it repels insects.

Guy: Uhhh... did I tell you you're hot?

Girl: I'm sorry, I think I'm getting a touch of the flu. I'd better go home.

Bond No. 9 - West Broadway

2005-06-17T14:01:00.000-07:00

Another Bond No. 9 fragrance. This one's unisexay!

The description at Saks says that West Broadway, the street, is "a hipper, cooler, downtown Madison Avenue, especially for the free-wheeling man or woman with eclectic taste." Whatever. I've never been to New York, although I'd like to go sometime soon. But, I have to say, I'm pretty over the arrogant trendiness of New York City. New York's all like, "We're the greatest, coolest, and most important city in the world. That's right, the world. When people say 'the city,' they mean us. We're the city. We're The City. We're going to copyright the word 'city' so no other city can be called a city. Because Oklahoma City? Carson City? Salt Lake City? Please. We are just way too out of their league. Who do they think they are, asking us to the dance? Gross." I'm over New York being all full of itself, though maybe it's just the rich Manhattanites who do it, but I don't know my boroughs or my New York geography, because guess what, New York? I don't care!! And by extension, I'm over this Bond No. 9 gimmick of smelling like various neighborhoods. Because if you were really going to be faithful to what a city smelled like, you'd smell like dumpster and pee.

Stupid New York.

Oh, and I was going to mention this up there: I don't really like the word "freewheeling," and yes, it is one word, no hyphen. I can't help thinking it means "driving recklessly in a flashy car with the top down."

Okay. I'm glad I got that off my back. West Broadway is a pretty great fragrance. The description says lime and greens, but I'm not sure about that. It starts off smelling like some kind of spice--I don't know what, but it's definitely reminiscent of an open jar in the spice rack--and then morphs into sort of a carnation smell. And I tell ya, there should be more carnation perfumes in the world. Specifically, one that I can actually afford.

West Broadway fades to a light, clean, nondescript sweet scent that I'd classify as more feminine that masculine. It's something of a disappointment after the initial ten minutes. It lasted a total of maybe four hours on me--not bad, not great.

I have yet to find something from Bond No. 9 that I'd consider worth the high price, but I've got plenty more samples to go through. Considering my finances right now, maybe it's best I continue to be unimpressed.

Bond No. 9 - Chez Bond

2005-06-16T09:52:00.000-07:00

"Chez Bond." Sexay.

This one goes out to all the guys. Chez Bond is a men's fragrance, but I'm wearing it today anyway. It could be unisex. Personally, I prefer the unisexy men's fragrances. I don't like a fragrance that screams, "I'm a man! Behold my really ripped abs! My masculinely scented body is irresistible to all hot chicks! Yeah, and only the hot ones."

Whatever, dude. You don't know discomfort until you're trapped on a city bus next to a guy doused in man cologne, and you've got a severe hangover.

Most guys' fragrances, particularly the manly-man ones that promise instant chickage, are of the "aquatic" group. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the concept of aquatic/marine fragrances. I mean, water doesn't smell like anything. Where does the smell come from? Seaweed?

Aquatic scents are usually synthetic in origin, actually. The best way to identify them? A blue bottle is usually a red flag, so to speak. A fragrance name like "Mountain Rush" or "Action Rock Climbing" is another clue. If you smell it and think "Sporty!" "Crisp!" "Artificial!" "Xtreme!" or "Ugh!", you've got an aquatic fragrance.

Chez Bond, $105 at Saks, has a bit of aquaticishness, but it's more of a green fragrance that dries down all woody. It smells like a slightly more masculine version of Creed Millesime Imperial, or Imperial Millesime or whatever it is. I think it's the sandalwood that makes it more guy-ish.

Actually, Chez Bond smells like a lot of stuff, which is always a sign that you shouldn't pay $105 for it.

Yeah. Sorry I'm not more specific. Chez Bond is one of those many "pretty good, I guess" scents out there.

Badger Body Butter - Cocoa Vanilla

2005-06-15T09:58:00.000-07:00

When I was about sixteen, Space Ghost Coast to Coast was my absolute favorite show. In particular, I liked the episode where Zorak's nephew, Raymond, paid a visit, and everyone was hungry.

Zorak: Hungry like Hungry Jack-hungry?
Space Ghost: No, hungry like a muscled-up G.I. Joe after a tough day in the chopper.

They order a pizza, and it doesn't arrive, so Space Ghost gets an idea:

Space Ghost: What say we enjoy the aroma of food with my smell ray. Stand back!
Zorak: Bacon!
Raymond: Ah! Horsey!

The reason I'm telling you this is because I bought a tube of Cocoa Vanilla Badger Body Butter because it smelled really good, like a chocolate cake. But now, I can't smell it without hearing Raymond's voice going "Horsey!" I can't describe what it is, but the smell reminds me of horsey.

Also, this stuff never ever absorbs into your skin.

But wait! There's more! I put this tube on my windowsill, next to the open window, and three days later tiny ants were crawling all around it. They weren't interested in any of the other crap on my windowsill, just the body butter.

It makes me think that maybe the Space Ghost writers did a little more research than they let on, and bugs really do like the smell of horsey.

A Brief Foray into Style: Louis Vuitton

2005-06-10T11:37:00.000-07:00

This isn't fragrance-related, but it's noteworthy.

Louis Vuitton bags are kind of like the older boyfriend you had in high school: you used to think he was cute, classy, and extremely cool. Then you grew up a bit, got a bit more sense and taste, and when you think back about those days, you realize that guy was just plain tacky. I could probably rock one of the smaller, simpler Monogram Canvas bags, and the Epi leather collection is cute, but for the most part Vuitton accessories are the cheesy pickup lines of the handbag universe.

Behold, Louis Vuitton's latest atrocity.

Louis Vuitton, you're dead to me. You're more dead to me than your dead founder and eponym. And he died in 1892, mind you, and is probably doing several tours en l'air in his grave.

Philosophy - Amazing Grace

2005-06-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

All right. Amazing Grace. It sounds kinda like Amazing Race, so I think I might start calling it that. Yeah, today I'm wearing Amazing Race. It smells like sweaty bandanas and tuk-tuks, with a delightful base of broken ox.

Okay, try this: Sometime when you're alone and people won't overhear you and think you're nuts, say "Amazing Grace" out loud, and then say "Amazing Race." I did this last night, because I think I say "a-maze-un grace," but "a-maze-eeng race." Do this and see if you pronounce "amazing" differently. Or better yet, tell one of your friends who doesn't read my blog to do it, because then they won't be conscious of the difference in pronunciation. Then, ask them why they aren't reading my blog.

Oh. And. I'm not the type to get political, but you should all read Jonathan Kozol's Amazing Grace.

Anyway. Philosophy is one of the few cosmetics brands of the Things You Might Find In Sephora variety (and wouldn't "Things You Might Find In Sephora" be a great $25,000 Pyramid category? "Eyeliner! Perfume! Stila! Free samples! Salespeople with one black glove!" Do the salespeople do that anymore? They did when it first opened, as I recall.) ...where was I? One of the few cosmetics brands that I just don't get. Not "get" as in "purchase," although I don't do that either, but "get" as in "understand the appeal of." (Where does the "of" go in that phrase, if not at the end? Grammar has failed me. Well, it's a sentence fragment. By the way, how many times have I gotten sidetracked in the middle o... wait, my phone's ringing) I mean, okay, minimalist packaging and pictures of cute kids and type about "how you climb up the mountain is just as important as how you get down the mountain." I have just never been compelled to buy anything from Philosophy, and it's the rare beauty product indeed that can't somehow convince me to buy it.

I bought Amazing Grace, though. Mostly because they had a little bottle that was fairly inexpensive ($15, I think?), otherwise it would have been a no-go. So that's one point for Philosophy.

It's hard to describe. I think it's a floral. It doesn't quite read as a floral, but there's no category that fits better. It's very light and clean, and it doesn't have a musky or warm drydown like many florals do. You know what I smell in this? A little bit of Demeter's Dirt. Now, don't go panicking because I told you this smells like dirt; I love the Dirt fragrance. I bought a bottle years ago and went through it superfast, and everyone who smelled it said, "That doesn't smell like dirt. That smells like flowers." And I said, "No, it's definitely dirt; your perception of what dirt smells like is just all weird. You're prejudiced against dirt." And I loved it, but it would always fade after ten minutes.

So... I like Amazing Grace. It smells a little like Dirt, but it lasts longer, and people don't look at me funny when I tell them what I'm wearing. Unless I tell them it's "Amazing Race."

Henri Bendel - Room Perfume

2005-06-09T00:32:00.000-07:00

You probably already know I'm a big fan of Bath and Body Works' Henri Bendel candles. Did y'all know they made room perfume in the same fragrances?

I don't think anyone knew, or if they knew, they didn't care. Because Bath and Body Works is discontinuing them, and you can buy them for $9 (down from $18) at the Big Ol' Semi-Annual Sale. They're good ones, too; I grabbed one bottle each in Orange Flower and Tuberose.

I'm sure I read somewhere that you can use room spray as personal fragrance; the only difference is in the alcohol content, and it's a small difference. I think. Well, I tried it out yesterday, and it works fine. Orange Flower will last quite a while on skin, and doesn't turn all weird-smelling like that stuff from the Gap, of which I am not a fan.

So, go ahead and use these on yourself. You have my permission. Just proceed with caution, because I will not be held responsible if you get allergic and die.

And just because you can use room perfume doesn't give you license to douse yourself in Glade. That's just tacky.

Diversey Thinks Out Loud

2005-06-03T14:54:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking of ways I can organize this blog a little better. One of my friends suggested reviewing men's fragrances, which I'm willing to do, but not exactly well-equipped. I've considered having a fragrance wish list on my blog, too. Info about new releases would be good, too, but I'm not sure where I'm going to get that. Maybe I should read more beauty magazines.

It's sometimes hard to write about perfume, because most of the time there's really not much to write about, except, "This smells like... flowers. It's okay." Unless something smells truly amazing or truly dreadful, it can be hard to think of things to say.

Plus, I'm not a fragrance expert. I don't claim to be, and I don't exactly want to be. I want this blog to be accessible, and amusing even to readers who've never spritzed anything, so I'd rather write from a layperson's perspective. I don't want my reviews to be esoteric, or pretentious, or boring.

Of course, I'd like this blog to be an entertaining read, and to be different from all the other blogs out there, and to be interesting to people other than myself. The best way I can do this is through my writing style and sense of humor.

I'm open to suggestions, as always.

In other news, Bath and Body Works' semi-annual sale begins Monday, June 6th. I think Semi-Annual Sale is my favorite season.

Whatever Is on My Wrist

2005-06-01T08:55:00.000-07:00

My left wrist smells marvelous, like orange blossoms. I didn't put anything on there today, so it has to be leftover from yesterday. So, most likely, it's a lingering note from Philosophy's Amazing Grace or Demeter's Summer Vacation.

My right wrist has a bit of Nanette Lepore on it, which I applied yesterday mid-morning.

Just so you know how long these fragrances stay on. And yes, I've showered and washed my hands several times during the course of the day.

Full reviews of all three coming soon.

Lolita Lempicka Eau de Parfum

2005-05-31T21:54:00.000-07:00

Who is Lolita Lempicka? What does she do besides have this one perfume? How do you pronounce her last name? And who, who, WHO designs these god-awful websites?

I'm throwing a quick Lolita Lempicka review in because I've heard a lot of people compare it to Angel. I bought them the same day, actually. And they're different. Not the same at all.

Lolita Lempicka is a very subtle scent that I have trouble describing. It kind of reminds me of Johnson's baby shampoo, though I don't know if that's the smell I'm looking for, because Johnson's now seals their shampoo bottles so I can't sneak a whiff when I'm at Walgreens. I don't want to have to buy the entire bottle just so I can figure out if that's what my perfume smells like or not. Argh!

Like baby shampoo, though, Lolita Lempicka is gentle and suitable for everyday use. Angel, of course, is not. (Angel is the kind of scent that grabs your nose's ass, which is definitely not appropriate in some contexts.)

And Lolita Lempicka is less expensive than Angel. The smallest size is $40 at Sephora; Scentiments has it for only about $23.

Thierry Mugler - Angel

2005-05-31T21:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, so within the past week, I've compared two fragrances (Flowerbomb and Prada) to Angel, so it just makes sense that I go ahead and give you a review of Angel. Or, more accurately, an amateurish essay that should be titled "Why I Regret Spending $50 on Angel At Filene's Basement."

To be clear, I've got nothing against Filene's Basement. I love Filene's. I got an awesome sweater for like four bucks there once. And I have absolutely nothing against perfumes bought at Filene's, unless they have the words "Beverly Hills" in the name. I did save a good chunk of money on Angel, but, well, if I had known then what I know now, I'd be fifty bucks richer.

So... Angel. The original. Before this Innocent and Garden of Stars nonsense. Honestly, I don't even know how many iterations of Angel they've got out there, since Thierry Mugler changes the bottle design every couple of years. I betcha there's some dumb rich lady out there with all the different bottles, and she doesn't realize they all have the same perfume inside.

Anyway, when it first came out, years and years ago, every fashion magazine in the universe went nuts over it, and it was supposed to smell all chocolatey and warm and comforting yet exciting, and so on, and I'd try it on at the department store and think, "What's the big deal?"

Then, about a year or so ago, I borrowed a little bit of someone's Angel-scented hair/face mask, and it was divine. The mask has been discontinued, I'm assuming, but you can get it for cheap at Scentiments. And it's really more of a body butter-type cream than a face mask. I'm sorry, it's wonderful, but I'm not stuffing that in my T-zone.

Spurred on by the warm, creamy deliciousness of the face mask, I looked for an inexpensive bottle of the eau de parfum, which brought me to Filene's.

It smells barftastic on me. It's the closest thing to a migraine I've ever had. And it's so strong, one spray could beat me in an arm-wrestling match.

However! If I use it as a room spray, it smells amazing; if I use it as a linen spray, it smells amazing; if I spray it on the outside of the sweater I'm wearing, I smell amazing. It just doesn't work with my skin.

Use caution with this stuff, I'm warning you. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread and so on.

If Angel doesn't work with your body chemistry, I'd recommend Prada, which is better anyway. Victoria's Secret made a scent called Secret 33 which smelled similar to Angel, but was lighter and more wearable. It's pretty good; check Ebay. The Henri Bendel Tonka Bean candle at Bath and Body Works smells a lot like Angel, too, but they'll probably discontinue that as well.

But if you insist on having a bottle of Angel, even if it makes you smell like dead chocolate, hecko, I'll give you mine. Take it, and don't come near me ever again.

Prada Eau de Parfum

2005-05-28T10:26:00.000-07:00

My mom and I have had this thing about Prada. It started with her dragging me into the Prada boutique to show me this insanely cute pair of shoes that she was insistent on buying for me, until she realized they were $300. The next summer, Mom sent me a photocopied New Yorker article on Miuccia Prada with a handwritten note: "I personally think this sorry chick needs to get over her bad self." I tend to agree.

(Though, I've gotta say, Prada's robot accessories are awesome. However, I was making robot bags in Fall '04. Suck on that, Miuccia, and you're just glad I'm not calling my lawyers.)

Anyway, when Prada came out with a fragrance, I had to get some for Mom, because, ha ha ha, look, Prada.

Turns out it's fantastic. It's what Angel should be, and isn't (and stay tuned for the Angel review). It's sexy, and recognizable, and not too sweet or cloying, and it doesn't make you barf. However, it's expensive, and I'm broke and have more than enough perfume to last me through the apocalypse.

Prada is everywhere right now (bizarre concept, I know), so you probably already know where to buy it.

Comme des Garcons Series 2: Red - Carnation

2005-05-24T16:03:00.000-07:00

Usually when I'm wearing any kind of fragrance, I can either smell it constantly or not at all.

I put some Carnation on this morning, and every now and then during the day, I thought, "Wow, what smells so good?" It was me. I smelled like I was carrying a bouquet of fresh flowers.

Everyone else around smelled like body odor. I assume they haven't been reading my reviews.

Carnation is available at LuckyScent. If you're looking for a cheaper carnation fix, Roger & Gallet makes an excellent carnation-scented soap.

Viktor & Rolf - Flowerbomb

2005-05-24T09:09:00.000-07:00

Viktor? Rolf? I hate your website. I hate any website that automatically launches new windows that take up the entire screen. Web designers? Guys? Stop doing that.

Also, I hate your stupid trendy perfume. It smells like one part Angel mixed with ten parts old vase water after the bouquet has died and you've thrown it away, but there's still some brown leaves stuck in there. And it's a crappy ugly vase that came free with the bouquet.

I sprayed this on my wrists at Saks and couldn't stop smelling myself. It was like an olfactory car crash. Every half hour, I turned to Mom and said, "Smell this. It's still awful." Mom was wearing Prada, which smelled great the whole time. I wanted to sandpaper Flowerbomb off my skin.

It does have great staying power, which isn't a good thing in this case.

Lush - 17 Cherry Tree Lane Soap

2005-05-20T11:32:00.000-07:00

Today's unofficial theme is "Things That Unintentionally Smell Like Other Things."

I bought a little chunk of 17 Cherry Tree Lane last time I was at Lush, because I really liked the smell. Since then, I've read the customer reviews on the Lush website, many of which mention Lady Foot Locker. Dear God, it's so true. This soap smells exactly like the inside of a brand new pair of sneakers. I can't shower anymore without the incredible urge to run out and buy some new Reeboks.

17 Cherry Tree Lane would be perfect to wash up with right before a hot date with Nelly. I can't imagine what would turn him on faster than the smell of new Air Force Ones. Except maybe a good pair of Apple Bottoms.

Bond No. 9 - Fashion Avenue

2005-05-20T08:08:00.000-07:00

Here's what Saks Fifth Avenue has to say about Fashion Avenue:

"Epitomizing the spirit of Fashion Avenue, where creative energy is everywhere, is this style-right fragrance, designed for the iconoclast, a high-energy, go-getter with an eye on the future. Sparkling mimosa, in a bed of dewy greens is blended with ylang-ylang and cashmere musk. The result is a fresh, sexy, sultry scent."

Here's what Diversey has to say about Fashion Avenue:

"Mmm. Wonder Bubbles!"

There's nothing wrong with smelling like bubble soap--it reminds me of Easter mornings and the kid who drank Wonder Bubbles in second grade and started puking bubbles--but there is something wrong about paying $168 for the privilege. Unless you're filthy rich. And if you are, can you buy me some Fashion Avenue?

Fresh Scents by Terri - Berry Cute Shimmer Spray

2005-05-18T15:48:00.000-07:00

I'm sure a lot of you have read Fast Food Nation; I'm probably the only one who read it and continued to eat McDonald's. Maybe that means I'm a sociopath, but I hope not. My favorite chapter was the one describing artificial flavorings and additives, and how it's now possible to synthesize the flavor of just about anything, from burgers to grass to grilled shrimp.

I can't help but wonder, then, why banana-flavored things still taste like chemicals. Is banana technology so far behind the curve? Or perhaps authentic banana flavoring is so complex and nuanced that it's difficult to manufacture and thus more expensive.

The Banana Dilemma seems to be common in berry fragrances, most notably the yuck from Bath and Body Works, but also in Fresh Scents by Terri's Berry Cute spray. The berry smells synthetic and off. I've never really liked berry fragrances, so I may be biased, and I wonder if the Banana Dilemma is to blame for that.

Berry Cute's drydown is better, and very similar to a few of the other scents in this line: a baked-goods vanilla, mixed in with some berries. Artificial berries. Which makes me think of Jiffy blueberry muffins. Don't you just love the packaging?

I can't think of a clever segue into it, but I wanted to add that this picture is frightening.

Fresh - Index - Fig Apricot

2005-05-16T15:20:00.000-07:00

I tried a sample of this over the weekend.

It's not very interesting.

Bond No. 9 - Sample Card Text

2005-05-16T14:52:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Ebay, I have twelve different samples of trendy Bond No. 9 fragrances. Yes, someone actually thought smelling like New York would be a good idea. I can't imagine this concept succeeding if the theme city were Chicago. Even the Gold Coast, where I briefly lived, smells like garbage and pee.

So I think Bond No. 9 is lying to us. 'Cause everyone's your friend in New York City, and everything smells like orange blossoms when you're young and pretty, &c.

Anyway, this Ebayer sent along a sample card with these samples (which, by the way, are wrapped in colored foil, like candy, and just so cute), and there's a long description of the fragrance concept, and for some reason I think it's really funny, so I'm just going to transcribe some of my favorite parts, including bold and italics.

Here goes:

"Instructions for use: Unwrap. Open vial. Breathe in. Congratulations! You have just caught a whiff of New York....Like nothing before it, Bond No. 9 captures in scents the sights, sounds, and nonstop, in-your-face energy of Manhattan. Here is the incomparable beauty and derring-do of our island metropolis, distilled in liquid form."

(The word "derring-do" is not used nearly enough in conversation these days.)

"[I]ts bold aromatic agenda comes out of a grand New York tradition of taking risks and breaking the mold."

"From the most audacious (and several are very audacious) to the wittiest and most whimsical, each scent expresses a courage, a gutsiness, that captures (as in a genie's bottle) the uncompromising spirit of this fast-paced, kaleidoscopic city that lives in the grand scale. Bong [ha ha ha oops that's a typo it really says "Bond"] No. 9 conveys a savvy assurance that says, Yes...this is the place to be...this is the scent to wear."

Doesn't that last sentence sound like Mary Alice from Desperate Housewives? Actually, all of it kind of does. Just replace all instances of "Bong [oh I keep doing it ha ha ha] No. 9" or "New York" with "Wisteria Lane." "Yes, Bree liked to live in the grand scale. But her incomparable beauty and derring-do was not enough for Rex."

Anyway, expect reviews of this bold aromatic agenda in the near future.

Fresh Scents by Terri - Peachy Keen and Dream

2005-05-13T09:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm not really actually done with the blog. Though I am almost done with the tiny little chunk of Cereology that I broke off and put by my sink. It makes hygiene FUN!

I've had my Fresh Scents by Terri samples for a week or two now, and I haven't come up with much to write about them. That doesn't mean they're not good; it's fantastically easy to write about sucky fragrances. It's more like the audition episodes on American Idol; they show the (supposedly) phenomenal singers and they show the obviously crappy singers, and you know there are a frillion kids out there who sing perfectly well, and could perform rings around a certain tiny-nosed jackass domestic abuser, but even though they're good, they don't even get to the part where they sing in front of Simon and all them, because they just don't make for good TV.

So, for the most part, these are good fragrances, but they're not exactly smellgasms.

Peachy Keen is, so far, my favorite. The description on Terri's website is pretty accurate--peaches and vanilla--and the drydown is quite similar to the first whiff. There's something else in there, too, which gives it sort of a peaches-and-cream-oatmeal smell. Cinnamon? I don't know. Tasty.

Interestingly, the creamy vanillay oatmeal drydown is present in quite a few of Terri's fresh scents. It's there in Dream, too. Vanilla and Fig. What does fig smell like, anyway? Before I get the creamy oatmeal, though, I get... Girl Scout Camp. Why does this remind me of Girl Scout Camp? It doesn't smell like a campfire sleeping bags or s'mores or football pudding or oh my god there are COTTONMOUTH SNAKES in the lake!!

Maybe it smells like Skin-So-Soft? Just a little bit? I'm not sure.

And by the way, Every Troop Leader I Ever Had: Skin-So-Soft does not repel mosquitoes.

Lush - Cereology Soap

2005-05-10T11:30:00.000-07:00

That's it. I'm done. I'm taking the blog down and tossing out all my shower gel, because there's no longer any point. None of it matters now that I have found the best-smelling soap in the entire universe.

I am also selling all my furniture and replacing it with chairs carved out of enormous slabs of this soap. It's that good.

Para Mi Bebe - Agua de Violetas

2005-05-09T16:56:00.000-07:00

One more, and then Violet Day is over. But I've saved the best for last.

I found Para Mi Bebe Agua de Violetas at Walgreens, in the half-aisle where all the products were in Spanish. Somewhere between the mother-of-pearl soap and the "Super Macho" testicular extract.

I didn't know they made baby cologne. Even Johnson and Johnson make it. However, every bottle of baby cologne I have ever seen is in Spanish. Maybe baby cologne is popular in the Mexican community, though most of the baby colognes I've seen, Johnson's excluded, are made by companies from Spain. Maybe this is a culture shock thing.

Oh wait, I just found something that says baby cologne is especially useful for removing excess moisture from babies' hair. Which explains the high alcohol content, I suppose.

See, when I put some on, it stung a little bit. Am I more sensitive than a baby? I also spilled a whole ton of it. It might work better as a spray, considering how spilltastic the bottle is.

The fragrance is very light, with a baby-powder drydown, though it's definitely not a just-for-babies fragrance.

And the price? Boy howdy, that's the best part! A big old 8.3 oz. bottle is only about $3.75. If you can find it, that is.

Perfumeria Gal - Violet Lip Balm

2005-05-09T16:02:00.000-07:00

Perfumeria Gal's website sucks.

On the other hand, their lip balm tins are cute, even if the lid doesn't close as tightly as I'd like.

The balm is violet-scented but not flavored, and you get a lot of it. The texture of the balm itself is not my favorite--a little too petroleum jelly-ish for me. I guess that's to be expected from a product (whose main ingredient is petrolatum) called "Vaselina Perfumada."

I like lip balm, but I don't really need any more in my life. I bet this would be okay to put on dry elbows or something.

Violetta di Parma Eau de Parfum

2005-05-09T14:51:00.000-07:00

This is probably the cleanest of the violet scents I've tried, with just a little sweetness. It's very subtle, almost soapy. You know what? Violet fragrances kind of remind me of original Dawn detergent. In fact, I'm going to run into the kitchen right now and smell the bottle of Dawn.

...Hmmm. Dawn just smells like Dawn. I can't tell if there's any violet in there. By the way, did you know that Dawn is an excellent laundry pre-treater for greasy stains? Honest.

Violetta di Parma is available (though backordered like crazy) at LuckyScent for only $34. You probably want some.

L'Aromarine - Violette Eau de Toilette

2005-05-09T12:27:00.000-07:00

I will always and forever recommend L'Aromarine fragrances: they're cheap, they smell good, there's a huge variety of them, and their bottles are awesome.

Except for Violette. It gets a little too men's-cologney after a few minutes, and I'm just not sure I can give it my blessing.

I'm not going to let this interfere with my love for L'Aromarine, and I'm not going to let this rain on my Violet Day parade, but I just thought y'all should know for your own good.

Lush - Bathos Bubble Bar

2005-05-09T10:55:00.000-07:00

Have you read Beverly Cleary's Ribsy? About the dog who gets separated from Henry Huggins and goes on adventures and all these girls give him a violet-scented bubble bath? And they sing this dumb song about "Sweet vi-i-i-olets, sweeter than all the roses" or something like that?

I hate that book. I don't hate it for any good reason; I just hate it because I hate the name Ribsy and I hate the name Henry and I hated Louis Darling's illustrations when I was a kid and I especially hate that violet song even though I don't know the words.

I've got to try not to think of stupid Ribsy, because it may ruin my violet bubble bath experience forever. That would be a shame, because I'd never get to use another Bathos bar from Lush. It's a little spicier and more herbal than most violet scents I've tried, so it's good if you're not a fan of the sweeter scents. Plus, it's the cheapest bubble bar Lush offers.

One bar is good for at least three bubble baths, at least in my tub that doesn't bubble up very much. You'll get a lot more bubbles if you put the desired amount in a stocking (a clean one! Gosh!) and tie it around the faucet so that the bar is directly in the stream of running water. Additionally, your hands will be free, so you can read a book in the tub. Just not Ribsy, for heaven's sake.

Fresh - Index - Violet Moss

2005-05-09T09:25:00.000-07:00

Happy Violet Day, people! Today, we... smell a lot of violets. After a while, everything starts smelling the same. So it's not really that exciting, but it sure smells good.

I do recommend getting some Violet Bouquet from Bath and Body Works first, because it's a very good violet fragrance, and if you like that, and if they discontinue it (which they will), move on from there.

Specifically, move on to Fresh's Violet Moss, because it's great. It's clean and sweet and bold and lasts for ages, and I'm not really sure what they're talking about with the moss, because I sure don't smell any moss. Also, iris buerre? Do they mean iris beurre? Iris butter sounds tasty, especially on, like, bran muffins. I like food that tastes like flowers.

And get over yourself that it's $65, because that's for a 3.4 ounce bottle, which is pretty hefty.

And also, someone needs to buy me the Fresh Index Fragrance Chronicles for my birthday. Pretty please with candy violets on top?

The Bath Lounge - Cosmopolitan 3-in-1 Bath Cocktail

2005-05-06T15:46:00.000-07:00

All right, folks. In celebration of violet, the It Fragrance, the New Green Tea, Monday will be dedicated to reviews of violet-fragranced products. Expect at least five reviews throughout the day.

Today, I've got a cheapo drugstore find, the Cosmopolitan "Martini" all-purpose bath gel by The Bath Lounge.

"Martini" is in quotes because, y'all, cosmopolitans are not martinis. I don't care what your Sex and the City DVDs say. Martinis contain gin, vermouth, and olives. And that's it. If it's missing more than one of those ingredients, it's not a martini. If your drink is pastel-colored or opaque, it is definitely not a martini. From the Wikipedia article:

Sometimes the term "Martini" is used to refer to other mostly-hard-liquor cocktails such as Manhattans, Cosmopolitans, and ad-hoc or local conconctions whose only commonality with the drink is the cocktail glass in which they are served. Chefs with a more whimsical bent are even producing dessert "Martinis" which are not a drink at all, but are merely served in Martini glasses.

By the way, one of my favorite things to do when I'm on a bus and bored out of my mind is invent fake trendy martinis. For example, the Breakfastini: vodka with a splash of maple syrup, garnished with a slice of bacon. Or the Thaitini: vodka, coconut milk, and lemongrass, garnished with shrimp.

So then, strike one against the Cosmopolitan bath "martini" is that IT'S NOT A MARTINI DAMMIT. Strike two is, well, who wants to smell like an alcoholic drink? I guess a lot of people, if the popularity of certain Demeter products is any indication. Fine, go ahead and fail your breathalyzers for all I care. Smell like a drunk, even if you're a teetotaler. What a terrible idea.

But this stuff doesn't smell like booze! It smells like Easter candy. I don't know what Easter candy. Maybe those speckled jelly bird eggs? Or those big eggs that look like oversized jelly beans but have that weird sugary marshmallowy middle? Honestly, I wouldn't have bought this if it didn't smell like candy.

In fact, I'm strongly considering ripping off the "Cosmopolitan martini" label and writing "EASTER CANDY BATH STUFF" in Sharpie on the bottle, but I probably won't, because the girl in the drawing on the label looks like Terra Branford in the tub. (I like Final Fantasy. I'm a nerd. Shut up.)

One more thing: even though it says it's a shampoo/conditioner as well as a shower gel/bubble bath, I don't think I'll be putting it in my hair anytime soon. I like keeping my shampoos and my shower gels separate. I'm fussy that way.

The Bath Lounge bath cocktails are about $7 for an enormous 16-ounce bottle, available at drugstores. There are six scents in all, three "tropical" and three "[fruity drinks served in] martini [glasses and thus incorrectly labeled as such]," but the other five aren't worth bothering with. Trust me.

Provence Sante - Linden Eau de Toilette

2005-05-04T14:53:00.000-07:00

I wasn't sure how I was going to write this review.

Originally, I was going to write about how badly I wanted Provence Sante's Linden ever since I tried it at a Whole Foods about twelve years ago, back when $25 was a whole lot of spending money, and forever afterwards I would sniff the bottle and think, "Maybe next time," until today when I actually sprayed it on myself, and was instantly cured of that particular longing.

But then I thought of writing about a nonexistent invention--a spray that instantly neutralizes any and all scents, with absolutely no masking fragrance, that you could use either in the air or on the body as a sort of "perfume eraser"--and how this really, really needs to be invented, and whoever does invent it will make millions, and it really, really needs to be used on this Provence Sante stuff.

I also considered the succinct yet impassioned GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF.

But thirty minutes later, it's actually turned quite good. I may buy a bottle after all. This is a mighty strong fragrance, so spray with caution.

The Provence Sante Linden line is available at BeautyHabit for the truly brave.

Fresh Scents by Terri Samples

2005-05-04T12:13:00.000-07:00

Fresh Scents by Terri offers a sample set of all ten fragrances for only $5 plus shipping. Hooray for samples!

This means you'll be seeing a lot of Fresh Scents by Terri reviews in the coming weeks. I'll try not to be too snarky, because I don't want to discourage people from sending me samples.

Know other places to get fragrance samples? Let me know.

Monyette Paris - Coquette Tropique

2005-05-04T08:35:00.000-07:00

"Yo Girl - you smell like hibiscus."

I first saw Coquette Tropique at Merz Apothecary, and it smelled great, and I knew it had to be special because it was $45 for a tiny little bottle. Then I found out Monyette was one of those culty perfumes that all the celebrities dig, and now I'm not sure if I want it more or less.

You know, every time I read about celebrities' favorite perfumes, I have a hard time imagining them smelling like something other than new Barbie dolls. In my mind, celebrities (with the exception of, say, Britney Spears) seem kind of sterile and somehow impervious to things like dirt and ingrown hairs.

Though, in honor of Audrey Hepburn's birthday, I'll share with you a quote from Space Ghost: "Even Audrey Hepburn went to the bathroom!" And those are words I live by.

It's pretty tropical-fruitastic. I like it. (Audrey Hepburn would like it, but then again, she liked Spring Flower.) It lasts a long time, and it's not all up in your face. I'm not sure if I'll buy a full-size bottle, but I'll probably walk into Merz once a week just to roll on the tester.

Des Filles a la Vanille - Toi... Mon Ange

2005-05-02T09:35:00.000-07:00

Let's see... I'd call this "a youthful combination of naivete, sensuality, and desperation."

More to the point, it smells like a cheapo vanilla fragrance from Revco, worn by high school girls who think that Whitman's Samplers and teddy bears clutching satin pillows (also purchased at Revco) are romantic Valentine's Day gifts.

Most of us have since graduated, stopped trying to win the head cheerleader's approval, and gotten over our first-ever true love, who by the way turned out to be a total tool who cheated with that one girl on the band trip, but you took him back anyway because it was love and NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!!!

But for those of you who never learn, there's Toi... Mon Ange.

Lush - Flying Fox shower gel

2005-04-29T09:27:00.000-07:00

Sometime within the last year, Lush opened a store in Chicago, and when I found out about it, I spent the grown-up equivalent of two months' allowance on assorted bath junk.

Some of it is fantastic, and some of it not so good, and you'll be seeing a lot of reviews of Lush stuff, because I have so darned much of it, and because you all should know what's worth buying, and what will just turn your bath into a pee-colored lake with a deposit of silt at the bottom. (Hint.)

But let's not focus on the bad for now. Let's look at Flying Fox, the greatest shower gel that has ever been.

Buddy, this stuff is stinky. It smells all jasmine-flowery and awesome. And it's not one of those shower gels (i.e. every other shower gel) that smells good when you first put in on the puff, and then kinda disappears. It smells good for like forever. Your shower will smell good like forever. Your washcloth will smell good like forever.

Sometimes I hand-wash my undies in Flying Fox, and my undies seriously smell good all day.

And it's got such a cute name. I'm a sucker for cute names. Flying Fox brings to mind Sonic's cute but annoying sidekick Tails, who uses his weird mutated tails to fly around, almost as if a helicopter had grown out of his ass.

Cuter still is World War I flying ace Eddie Rickenbacker, who's a total flying fox if you ask me. I don't care that he's old and dead, I totally have a crush on him. He's dreamy.

Sometimes I think of Eddie Rickenbacker when I hand-wash my undies in Flying Fox.

So shut up about it being expensive and just buy a bottle. I guarantee that flowery goodness will asscopter its way into your heart.

Drydown: Other ways for Diversey to stink

2005-04-28T14:28:00.000-07:00

This blog is still in its early stages, and I'm still figuring out what I want to do with it.

It's a perfume blog, of course. Or a "fragrance blog" or "scent blog"--to be honest, I'm not too picky about semantics. Maybe I should be; I don't know. I'm not the foremost authority on perfumes, and I don't pretend to be, so this is not going to be a super-informative blog. I try, though.

So I'm trying to think of other regular features--perhaps a perfume wish list, or perfumes I'd like to see, or a "Whatever Happened To...?" section.

Any and all ideas are welcome.

Burberry - Burberry London

2005-04-28T09:17:00.000-07:00

The original Burberry women's fragrance smells like apples. And, sadly, Play-Doh.

I'm not too upset because I got it for like $15 at TJ Maxx.

Fresh - Lemon Sugar

2005-04-27T11:18:00.000-07:00

When I was about eleven, my parents let me get a cat. He turned out to be the greatest cat ever, and I miss him.

I still remember preparing for his arrival. We bought food and water dishes, cat toys, a slicker brush, and a litter box, which I filled myself. I had never dealt with litter boxes before in my life, and even that was fascinating. While it was brand new, clean, and untouched, it was actually... kind of inviting. The litter was dusty and had a weird but clean institutional-floral scent to it.

Then we got the kitten, and my family and I watched in awe as Kitty instinctively dug in the pristine box, squatted, and took his very first dump in his new house. "Awww," I joked as Kitty sniffed the fresh poo and covered it up with a small mountain of Tidy Cat.

When I like to be reminded of a kitten pooping, I pull out a bottle of Fresh Lemon Sugar eau de parfum, because the smell is identical to that of a new bag of kitty litter. In other words, you will never ever see me with a bottle of Lemon Sugar.

L'Artisan Parfumeur - Dzing!

2005-04-27T08:03:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's got a dumb name. And it's a fragrance inspired by the circus. I kind of hate the circus.

And every other review I've ever read says Dzing! smells like a rhinoceros cage.

Well, I'm here to tell you not to listen to them. Listen to me: Dzing! is awesome. Yes, it's a little odd and leathery, but it's sexy and warm, and perhaps the most unisex fragrance I've encountered, and seriously not as weird as it sounds.

It smells kind of like the total badass you had an all-consuming crush on in high school, and you were completely intimidated by how rebellious and hardcore he was, but that's also why you loved him forever, and besides he's also totally sensitive and brilliant, but no one can see it but you, and once he gave you a ride home and OH MY GOD.

In other words, this is what Jordan Catalano would smell like.

I would totally make out with a guy wearing this. I would totally make out with a girl wearing this. I would probably make out with a cardboard box wearing this.

Get yourself some Dzing! at LuckyScent, and I may just make out with you, too.

H&M - Summer Blossom and Delight Blossom

2005-04-26T16:01:00.000-07:00

"A body mist which is meant to be used all over body. Gives you a natural freshness which lasts all day long."

That's exactly what it says on the back of these bottles. Generally speaking, H&M's grasp of the English language is not terrific. The store is full of shirts screenprinted with slogans and phrases that don't really make much sense, but aren't quite Engrish-caliber bizarre. A name like "Delight Blossom" is pretty standard here.

For those of you who aren't blessed with an H&M nearby, let me tell you that it's a really fun store. Kind of a clothing-store love child of Ikea and Claire's. The good thing about H&M is that everything's really cheap. The bad thing is that a lot of it feels really cheap. Some of the clothes are practically dissolving on their hangers. And sometimes they'll still ask $40 for that stiff, unlined, sandpapery blazer.

So you can sort of see why I've never bought cosmetics from H&M. I always figured they'd probably contain lead.

Summer Blossom and Delight Blossom are two new and undoubtedly limited-edition fragrances from H&M. There's a third, called Punky Roses or Violent Roses or something involving roses and a decidedly un-rose-like characteristic, but it's not available in a spray as far as I can tell. The two Blossom scents are pale green liquids in standard-issue plastic body spray bottles. Summer Blossom is a 6 ounce bottle with a flowered label that looks something like a Gap scarf; Delight Blossom comes in a 1.8 ounce bottle that may be Monyette-inspired. These seem to be the only sizes they're available in, and I don't know why.

Well, I was in the middle of an H&M shopathon when my friend Laramie Wellington and I came across the fragrance table, and of course I sniffed them, being the scent junkie that I am. Usually I sniff the bottle without spraying it, which is what I did that day.

And I turned to Laramie, groaning "UGH SMELL THIS NASTY ROTTEN FISH YARRGHH." I don't remember which bottle I picked up, but it smelled like this one tree in my parents' yard that had the prettiest flowers in springtime, but those flowers smelled like old fishsticks. There are fragrances I don't care for, and then there's stuff that's just foul. If you ever meet anyone who actually wants to smell like fishsticks, let me know so I can issue a restraining order.

The saddest part of all this was that I bought them anyway. My arms were already full of assorted junk I was going to buy, and they were beyond cheap, and I figured that they'd at least provide interesting material for the blog.

Okay, so I spent so much time talking about how grody this stuff seemed that I'm going to put the next part in bold: Summer Blossom and Delight Blossom do not suck. They're actually pretty good. It turns out the stinky fishy smell had something to do with the plastic sprayer thing and not with the fragrance, and after a few sprays, the stink will disappear completely.

Delight Blossom is a very sweet, bright, candylike gardenia, somewhat synthetic and flat. Kai it ain't, but it's kind of nice in its own way. Summery. Not too cloying. I don't detect anything besides the gardenia, but sometimes simple is good.

Summer Blossom is similarly one-note, though not blossomy. It's more of a pear scent: subtle, sweet, and slightly crisp. It makes you want a Harry & David gift box. The pear in Summer Blossom smells almost identical to the pear in this French Vanilla Pear body spray I bought for two bucks on clearance at Wal-Mart. Some fragrance snobs might blanch at the words "clearance" and "Wal-Mart," but I went through that spray faster than anything before or since, and I would buy it again if it hadn't been discontinued. That stuff was fantastic.

Lasting power for both is adequate, comparable to any other body spray out there. Which isn't saying a whole lot. These might be good if you know a 10-year-old who likes smelly stuff, because she can spray all she wants and not smell skanky, and no one will die from the fumes.

Summer Blossom is $3.90 for 6 ounces, and Delight Blossom is $2.90 for 1.8 ounces. Cheaptastic! You can buy them at H&M stores, but they'll probably be quite difficult to find online. (I wouldn't look too hard if I were you.) If you happen to come across either, give it a spray. No, I mean give it an actual spray. Otherwise... fishsticks.

Bath and Body Works - Cotton Blossom

2005-04-22T12:31:00.000-07:00

Another widely available Bath and Body Works fragrance. This one smells exactly like clean laundry.

Some people might wonder why anyone would want to smell like clean laundry.

Well, if you ever happen to sleep through your alarm, and you have only ten minutes to get to work, and every pair of pants you own is crumpled in a pile on the closet floor, and your hair is a giant oil slick, you'll probably be pretty desperate to smell like clean laundry.

I think I may carry a little bottle of this in my purse for those times I wake up on someone else's couch.

Archipelago Botanicals - Arugula Soy Wax Candle

2005-04-22T10:30:00.000-07:00

Pronounced "ark-a-pell-a-go," I guess. Why do I keep saying "arch-a-pe-lah-go?" Oh well.

Archipelago has consistently good scented candles, and lots of them. I've gone through like a batrillion of them. I'm particularly partial to the $10 travel candles in the little metal tins. I haven't tried any of the monogram candles, because they're all different, and I feel like I might like, say, the "M" candle, which isn't any of my initials, and that's like wearing your Saturday undies on a Tuesday, which I refuse to do. I'll go commando before I wear my days-of-the-week undies on the wrong day.

But, okay, look at the Home Collection. Archipelago, what are you doing? You're so obviously trying to copy the Henri Bendel candles. Stop it. The problem with brands whose products are blatant knockoffs of other products is that you'll forever be known as the cheapy-tacky-knockoff brand, and it's so hard to get past that. And it doesn't help that the Archipelago Home candles are four dollars more expensive than the Henri Bendels. Archipelago, you're lovely, and you can certainly hold your own in the scented-candle department. So be your own beautiful candle already. And while you're at it, learn to spell espresso.

The Archipelago arugula candle is huge, and will probably last forever, and is super strong even when it's not lit, and smells great. I'm getting into fresh grassy smells right now, and Arugula is somewhat grassy but also kind of sweet and floral. Maybe even a little artificial, but very very light. It hasn't given me a headache yet, which is always a plus.

Just about everything Archipelago is available at Merz Apothecary. The 90-hour Arugula candle is about $30.

Dessert Treats - Butterscotch Toffee and Creamsicle

2005-04-20T16:17:00.000-07:00

I remember a simpler time. A time when singers were singers, actors were actors, perfumers were perfumers, and reality TV stars were... nonexistent. A time when children were safe from the horrors of flavored novelty lotions and gels, which were seldom seen outside of boutiques specializing in "marital aids."

And then Jessica Simpson came along and ruined everything.

First, Jessica's original "Dessert" line. At first, I was overjoyed! Finally, a collection of bath and body products that could simultaneously induce nausea, rashes, and yeast infections, available to young women everywhere! And affordably packaged, so that...

Hold up a minute, Jess. What do you mean, $32 for that Deliciously Kissable Hair and Body Mist? That bottle looks like it could crack after five spritzes. Never mind that I don't exactly need my hair to be deliciously kissable.

Fortunately for us cheapskates, Jessica listened to our pleas, and released the slightly more affordable Dessert Treats line, which is available in fine stores such as Claire's Accessories and Walgreens. Although I couldn't afford that $32 hair and body mist, now I can get the same thing, plus shimmer, for only $18!

By the way, the $18 body mist is about half the size of the $32 mist. But, like I said, it has shimmer.

Imagine my surprise when I walked into the drugstore one day and saw a cardboard Ms. Simpson staring back at me with that seductive "'come...hit her?' But I don't want to be hit!" glare. I couldn't resist. I was powerless. I was hypnotized by Cardboard Jessica.

And soon enough, I was $35 poorer.

Let's talk about this "Deliciously Kissable Body Frosting," shall we? It's clear and pearly and gooey, and I don't know if it can be considered lotion. I don't think it does a tremendous job of moisturizing. It doesn't really shimmer, either. And it takes a mighty long time to soak into the skin. The lids are that weird silvery-coated plastic that, more often than not, looks cheap, and I know that one of the bottles has a typo on the back, but I forget what that typo is, because I'm trying to forget I own this crap.

I have two flavors of "Deliciously" "Kissable" Body Frosting: Butterscotch Frosting and Creamsicle. I bought Butterscotch because I'd decided that none of the other flavors were any good, and I bought Creamsicle a little later, because I thought I really needed a creamsicle fragrance. It turns out I was right the first time.

In the bottle, Butterscotch Toffee smells exactly like the butterscotch chips you use to make Oatmeal Scotchies, which are the greatest cookies in the universe. You know, for the longest time, I couldn't taste the difference between butterscotch chips and peanut butter chips; ditto butterscotch and caramel ice cream toppings. Creamsicle smells like, well, a creamsicle. If you put either one on your skin and then lick your skin, it tastes like aspartame.

But do they smell any good when you wear them? I put Butterscotch Toffee on one arm, Creamsicle on the other, waited ten minutes, and then sniffed.

Butterscotch Toffee smells like it does in the bottle, only with a very distinct Tyvek envelope note. Not sexy.

Creamsicle smells like a Tyvek envelope died three weeks ago and killed my entire arm with it.

Please, for the love of all things sweet-smelling, if you ever encounter the Dessert Treats display, DO NOT LOOK INTO CARDBOARD JESSICA'S EYES. You will regret it. And no one will want to smell or lick your arms ever again, except for maybe vultures and dung beetles.

You can purchase the complete Dessert line at Sephora, though I'm really not sure why you'd want to. If you absolutely insist on having flavored junk licked off your arms, I highly recommend Urban Decay Flavored Body Powders instead. Or just buy a can of Redi-Wip.

L'Artisan Parfumeur - La Chasse Aux Papillons

2005-04-20T09:08:00.000-07:00

The first thing I smell is linden. I do like linden. This is a good one, too; most linden fragrances have this hard-to-describe quality to them, kind of soapy and unctuous. The linden in La Chasse Aux Papillons doesn't have so much of that. It's more floral, maybe on account of the other floral notes. I'm liking this so far.

You know, until recently I was a little confused about the classification of the linden tree. I blame Jo Malone and her French Lime Blossom, another linden-heavy fragrance. After a little Googling, and some delicious lime flower tea, I came to the conclusion that lime trees and linden trees were the same. It sort of made sense, considering that neroli oil comes from orange blossoms. Kind of like how pork, ham, and bacon all come from pigs, and to be perfectly honest, I don't really know which part of the pig is bacon, and so on. And is ham a kind of pork? I've always referred to ham and bacon as "pork products."

I need one of those diagrams that shows you the different parts of the pig. I probably also need one for orange trees.

Anyway, I still had my doubts about lindens and limes being the same plant, considering all the Linden Avenues I've seen throughout the Midwest, and I know citrus trees don't grow in Kansas. Something wasn't right.

Turns out that the linden tree, genus Tilia, is known as "lime" in Britain, and is unrelated to the lime fruit, Citrus aurantifolia. Thanks, limeys.

I kind of wonder what the flowers of Citrus aurantifolia smell like now.

...And wouldn't you know, in the time I took to explain that, La Chasse Aux Papillons has completely disappeared on me. I don't smell anything anymore.

L'Artisan does make a "La Chasse Aux Papillons Extreme," which I suppose may last longer than fifteen minutes, but I'm not wearing any perfume with the word "extreme" in it.

Other Stinky Stuff: Tyvek Envelopes

2005-04-19T15:45:00.000-07:00

Here at Diversey Stinks, I like to focus on things that smell lovely, whether they're perfumes, candles, soaps, or the Fullerton El stop (which always smells like french fries, courtesy of Demon Dogs).

However, on occasion, something smells so vile that I have to share it with the public--partly as catharsis, partly as a public service.

For instance, Tyvek envelopes.

I appreciate the sturdy, indestructible wonder that is Tyvek, but every time I have to send a FedEx, I want to gag.

These things smell like poo. Literally. I can't decide which Tyvek smells like more: manure or vomit. And there's nothing I can do about the stench. There's no sense in washing an envelope, after all, and I bet you anything that Tyvek is impervious to Febreze. (Not that Febreze can effectively eliminate odors on any material, but that's for another post.)

I mean, for crying out loud, DuPont, you've invented so many fantastic things. Surely y'all are smart enough to invent an envelope that doesn't stink?

The People of the Labyrinths - Luctor et Emergo

2005-04-19T09:19:00.000-07:00

Who are these people, and where are these labyrinths from whence they struggle and emerge?

And what's with the trend of designer brands sounding like ancient cults, anyway? I'm scared to buy jeans from Seven for All Mankind, True Religion, Blue Cult, or Citizens of Humanity, because I'm afraid they might require some sort of animal sacrifice, or that I might be somehow brainwashed into buying $180 jeans forevermore. And if you think about it, fashion is a cult in itself--the dumbest, brainwashiest cult of all. How else do you explain people willingly paying so much for a pair of freaking jeans that probably won't be in style five years from now? With my jeans, I just cross "Old Navy" off the back and write in "Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra," and everybody thinks I'm the coolest kid of all.

So these people, in these labyrinths. I'm thinking maybe there's a minotaur, Pac-Man, and David Bowie sitting in a damp, mossy conference room, discussing perfume and occasionally sending robots to thwart Sonic the Hedgehog. The Labyrinth Zone is one of my favorite Sonic levels, probably because the music's so good. Don't laugh, but I made up lyrics:

I wonder where you are
You are now in the lab-y-rinth
You think you've come so far
But you're still in the lab-y-rinth
Where did I park my car?
I parked it in the lab-y-rinth
Da da da da da dar
Da da da in the lab-y-rinth zone

You're in the labyrinth, everybody's happy
We're in the labyrinth too
You're in the labyrinth, everybody's happy
Da da da da da da da da da da

It's a work in progress, and anyway, it really has no bearing on this fragrance, unless you take into account that the Labyrinth Zone boss is probably the hardest in the game, and it always takes me three or four tries before Sonic can successfully luct and emerg. So this is sort of a perfume about that.

I guess you want to know what it smells like.

It's pretty good on me. Mostly vanilla. It's a smoky, powdery vanilla, with a little bit of cherry syrup and marzipan thrown in. It smells a little bit like cookie dough. It smells a lot like the Original Vanilla perfume oil from the Body Shop, which I think has been discontinued, not that I'm mourning it, because I still have a full bottle gathering dust on my shelf. I just couldn't wear Original Vanilla; it was just too syrupy and sweet. Once I was wearing it, and these two people about ten feet in front of me remarked that something smelled like Dr. Pepper, and I knew it was me.

Here's the thing, though: Original Vanilla is like cookie dough after you've eaten three-quarters of the tube, and you can't even bear the smell of it, and you're sure you're going to die of salmonella within the hour. Luctor et Emergo is like the first bite of cookie dough, right after you've snipped the end off the tube, and it stays delicious for hours and hours. Maybe it's the smoky note that makes the difference. Mmm, smoked cookie dough.

(And before you point out that I'm a philistine who doesn't make her own cookie dough: Cookie dough from scratch is for baking. Cookie dough in a tube is for eating raw.)

It's a good fragrance. I like it. I don't like it enough to pay $170, though. Maybe I'd buy it if it were $60. If Original Vanilla perfume oil smelled more like this, I'd buy that.

But if you've got $170 to burn, and you like smoky cookie dough and singing the Labyrinth Zone song (feel free to add your own lyrics), then be my guest.

People of the Labyrinths Luctor et Emergo is available at LuckyScent.com.

Bath and Body Works - Violet Bouquet

2005-04-18T06:45:00.000-07:00

Violet Bucket. Bile Bucket. Vile Bouquet. Violent Buffet?

The new limited-edition fragrance hits Bath and Body Works stores today, and as soon as I get a chance I am running out there and stocking up. It's a great, light candy-violet fragrance, and violet is so hot right now. I think maybe violet is the new green tea.

Oh, how I have waited and waited for Voylent Bookay Day.

Also they're coming out with Gardenia or something like that. It's OK I guess.

Lucky Not Yucky

2005-04-15T13:55:00.000-07:00

I swear, the exact moment I posted my last entry, my sample order from LuckyScent arrived in the mail!

It's a sign. It's a sign that I was destined to... blog about perfume.

Also possibly a sign is that the sample vial of Comptoir Sud Pacifique Vanille Quelquechose rolled off the desk, into my lap, and disappeared under my desk. Well, I didn't want to smell like you anyway, Vanille Thing.

Anyway, in case you haven't been, LuckyScent is a lovely website. They've got tons of obscure expensive culty perfumes, and you can get samples of all sorts of stuff for $2 per and up.

What's that smell?

2005-04-15T13:30:00.000-07:00

It's me, isn't it?

For quite some time--months and months and maybe years--I'd had the brilliant idea of having a website where I review perfumes, though I'm far from professional at it. Just like Manolo loves the shoes, I love the stinks. (I know I may come off as derivative, but I had this idea long before I discovered the world of accessory blogs. I swear on the house of Creed.)

Anyway, it took me until today to realize that, duh, blogs are free, and just as good. This is my first time working with Blogger, so be patient if things get screwy.

So enjoy and spread the word! I'll be starting by writing about fragrances in my own embarrassingly large personal collection, and maybe then I'll move on from there.