Britney Spears - In Control

Really.

In Control follows two obnoxiously popular fragrance trends: the Celebrity Fragrance, and the Spinoff Fragrance (see also: Miami Glow and Love at First Glow, we get it, J. Lo). I keep wanting to call this "In Curious."

Britney, you can't even put on shoes before you leave the house. No perfume launch is going to convince me that you're in control of anything.

Frederic Malle - Lipstick Rose

Okay okay okay OKAY I am the laziest blogger that has ever blogged a blog, and I apologize for not stinking as much as I should.

See, the reason is that anytime something I do requires effort, it stops being fun, which is why I am terrible at following my dreams and achieving my goals.

The other reason is that I have been wearing Lipstick Rose just about every day for the past forever, and my life is now complete.

You can get the Frederic Malle Editions de Parfum at Barneys, but their shipping is like $12 so you might want to check Ebay first.

Today I tried on MAC Violetrix (which is not on their website right now, so I'm confused) and Prescriptives Calyx and they both have a little bit of a wax-crayon undertone, which I like. Maybe I'm crazy.

Oh, and Beyonce's apparently going to be at the Marshall Field's on State Street in Chicago next Tuesday. But I probably won't.

Axe - Play or Be Played??

I just received the most charming email from Axe today:

Hi. It’s your friends from AXE and we’ve noticed that you’ve been spreading the good word about us lately in your blog.

So to say thanks; we’d like to send you some of your favorite AXE products or better yet, exclusive or limited-edition AXE fragrances before they hit shelves. Let us know if you’re interested by simply replying to this email and we’ll start sending you the goods. Just include your name, age, email and address if you’d like to receive some AXE advantages.

In addition, AXE is doing some really unique stuff that we want to let you in on, especially since you’ve been so nice to us. We want to give you the heads up about the latest AXE adventure. Basically, AXE asked two regular guys, best friends Evan and Gareth, to spend 3,688 hours of their lives picking-up girls in seven cities across the country – talk about the ultimate road trip.

Better yet, Evan and Gareth’s job (if that’s what you’d call it) is to test out different pick-up moves on girls and record them on their vlog for all eyes to see. They’re like seduction crash test dummies, taking hits for guys everywhere. They just left the craziness of Vegas and they’re heading to New York City as we speak; you should check it out – EvanandGareth.com.

Below is a link that will take you to three Evan and Gareth videos. The “Talkback” clip gives you the breakdown of how the Evan and Gareth story began and the other two videos will give you the first look (because nobody likes sloppy seconds) at some of the scandalous Evan and Gareth footage that isn’t on the site just yet, but will be soon.

In “The Seduce-O-Rama,” you’ll see Lars and Broch, two guys AXE brought in to compete against Evan and Gareth, throwing around their game. AXE thought Evan and Gareth were getting a bit sloppy, and there’s no room for that in the hook-up game. And finally, in “Doing The Monkeybang” you’ll find out who came out on top with the ladies at the end of the night.

http://66.226.84.62/blogger_videos.zip [Note: I'm too terrified to click on this, so proceed at your own risk.]

And as another way of saying thanks; we’d love to send you some exclusive AXE goods, such as pre-released videos or never-seen-before ads, which all your friends will be vying for. Just let us know if you’re in and stay tuned for more AXE sneak peaks [sic].

Peace.

AXE

Oh god.

Jennifer Lopez also has a new fragrance out. It smells like green apple barf. Celebrities can't do anything right.

I saw a TV commercial for Fantasy last night, starring Britney and Kevin. I don't think I need to comment on the concept of Kevin Federline being anyone's fantasy.

Finally, Celine Dion knows where I live. A few days ago, out of the blue, I got a sample card of two of her fragrances in the mail.

Don't y'all know I don't like you?

Britney Spears - Fantasy

As I mentioned this morning, today Fantasy Britney Spears, or Britney Spears' Fantasy, or whatever, hits the stores. I still think the bottle is horrid. The box it comes in is real pretty, though.

And here's the surprise: it smells pretty good.

It's a fruity fragrance, which is strange considering its fall launch. Sorta tropical-pineappley. It's light and not at all overpowering; on the other hand, it's not too different from what you might find at Victoria's Secret. It stays nice on the drydown: still fruity, with a little bit of brown sugar.

I don't smell the cupcakes at all.

$45 for a small bottle, $55 for a big one. Your local department store is sure to have it.

Britney Spears Launches Baby, Perfume

Congratulations to Britney Spears on the birth of lil' Kozie! Or whatever his name is; I bet it'll start with a K. Kitney Spederfine?

I promise this is relevant. From E! Online:

The arrival of Spears' baby nearly coincides with Thursday's launch of Spears' new fragrance. In a note to fans, the singer described Fantasy Britney Spears as a "completely magical" blend of "enchanting scents and flavors," with "a hint of cupcakes."

Oh my gawd, that's TODAY! I'm gonna do some research. I do love cupcakes.

...By the way, is anyone else disturbed about the pattern of rhinestones across the neck of the bottle that looks creepily similar to a Confederate flag?

Guess - Eau de Parfum

I remember when Guess was the coolest label, when "designer jeans" automatically meant Guess, when $60 seemed like an insane price for a pair of jeans but, like, totally worth it.

I was nine.

Guess is no longer cool. The Guess of the new millenium is derivative and tacky. Guess is the reason why the popular girls laugh at the girls with Gs printed all over their handbags. Guess is what you get when you can't afford taste, and baby, they sell taste at Old Navy, so what's your excuse?

Guess is for girls who were abandoned by their mothers and raised by Lindsay Lohan.

You may protest that of course Guess is still cool; after all, they have a new fragrance out this fall. Which... you're calling this blend of air-freshener floral and Play-Doh a fragrance? And who designed that bottle? I'm so grossed out by it that I can't think of an appropriately cutting comment regarding the designer's taste and/or eyesight problems.

In short, some perfumes just make you want to kick puppies. This is one of them.

And by the way, 7 For All Mankind, this is your future. Best to quit while you're ahead.

Fresh Scents by Terri - Zoe

I have turned into a deadbeat blogger. Oh my gawd.

And the timber industry is apparently interested in my writing. Anybody want some penn,y st0cXs? I didn't think so. You also don't want to be |@nger and str@n;ger for your w@man, because your self-esteem is good enough as it is, you value proper spelling, and you hate spam. Sorry; I'm seething.

Terri's got a good Fresh Scent going on with Zoe; the official description is basically "musk, musk, and more musk," but this stuff smells nice and clean. Just... just nice and clean; it doesn't smell like anything to me. Great stuff, not overpowering at all, lifts the spirits.

Did Fresh Scents By Terri go up in price recently? I'm not sure. I hear all the cool kids like this stuff, though.

Sarah Jessica Parker - Lovely

I'm dragging my feet here, I know, and I'm sorry. It's the middle of summer, it's hot, and the last thing I want to do is smell anything. Nevertheless, we're moving onward.

I've always thought that if celebrities wanted their own clothing lines, perfumes, and so on, they shouldn't be allowed to put their name on it. It's just so much more credible that way. I'm no celebrity, but if I were, and believe me I have given this quite a bit of thought, I'd want to have a major hand in designing the clothes or the perfume, and not have my name anywhere on the label, but maybe have a press release mentioning my name in conjunction with the brand. That way, people would hopefully know that I was actually interested in the creative process behind the product, not making yet more money or turning my name into a brand.

Sarah Jessica Parker has not gone that particular route.

Part of me wants to like Sarah Jessica Parker for showing the world that women with a face like my middle-school science teacher can indeed be glamorous, and for setting a new standard for fashion. Each day before I leave the house, I ask myself, "Has Sarah Jessica Parker ever worn something at least this ridiculous and unflattering on Sex and the City?" If the answer is yes, I'm free to go.

But I simply can't like her. I have a lot of trouble distinguishing her from her SATC character, Carrie, with her squeaky voice and assy column-writing and shoe closet stuffed with neuroses. I want to slap Carrie, and I want to smack the show for popularizing the trend of girly drinks posing as legitimate martinis. (I call 'em fifis, because they're fluffy and I refuse to call them martinis.)

So I will never like Lovely. Because it's a celebrity fragrance, because it smells like apple martini (excuse me, you mean applefifi), and because LOOK AT THAT UGLY-ASS AVON REJECT BOTTLE.

Also, it smells too much like that cheap J. Lo fragrance.

Diptyque - L'Ombre Dans L'Eau - Update

When I last updated, I'd tried out some L'Ombre Dans L'Eau. I got some of it on my watch band, and I think it's important to note that my watch still smelled good a week later. I can still smell it on my watch, barely. It's quite a lovely fruity-rosy scent.

I'm not sure if this is widely practiced, but I recommend applying fragrance to clothing rather than to skin, provided the fabric won't react weirdly to the ingredients. This is especially useful if you have a perfume you like that smells funny when it reacts with your skin. In fact, it's the only way I can wear Angel.

By the way, Marshall Field's has a new collection of candles; I forget the brand name, but it's something weird. They're expensive and the only one that smells any good is Chai Tea, so it's really not important that anyone know the name. So.

Diptyque - L'Ombre Dans L'Eau

At the moment, Diptyque commands a range of twelve toilet waters, eight of which have their matching soaps, not to mention the toilet vinegar. -- Diptyque's website

I shouldn't laugh, but "not to mention the toilet vinegar" is the greatest sentence fragment of all time. (Is that a participle phrase? It's been ten years since I've had a grammar class.) It's one of those phrases that you can just tack on the end of any sentence to make it more funnier, kind of like how you add "in bed" to the end of your fortune cookie fortunes.

Diptyque's known for their schmancy candles. Not by me, though; I have yet to smell a Diptyque candle that really knocks my socks off.

L'Ombre Dans L'Eau eau de toilette, however, is awesome. It smells like, I don't know, pomegranate. Or fig. Or... well, the description says black currant and Bulgarian rose.

And it's lasted nine hours on me, and still going strong. No joke. Go Diptyque!

I kind of wonder if this could be a unisex fragrance. I'm all for guys smelling like something other than blue-tinted aftershave with a picture of a mountain on the bottle. When I was a kid, I used to wonder why perfume smelled like what girls liked (flowers and sweet things) and cologne smelled like what guys liked (mountains? Really Ripped Abs?) -- because wouldn't girls be attracted to smelling something that they liked? Wouldn't they want to date a boy who smelled like their favorite pretty flowers? I was a weird kid.

Sixty bucks gets you 50 ml (1.7 oz); it's available at Beautyhabit. Not to mention the toilet vinegar.

Escada - Rockin' Rio

Experience the sensual rhythm of the samba and the sultry warmth of the... yeah, shut up. Don't go to Escada's website because it's one of those obnoxious websites that's all, "I'm best viewed with XX resolution. Here, let me maximize the screen for you! No, trust me, you want the screen maximized. I'll just disable the resize button for you."

Escada just might be up for a Diversey Hates Your Web Design nomination, and maybe even win a golden statuette in the shape of Jay Manuel.

(Please tell me you didn't click the Jay Manuel link.)

Anyway, it just isn't summer without Escada whapping you across the nose with some limited-edition tropical scent. Rockin' Rio, despite the lame name and lamer box, is really pretty good. Like mango or peach, or something similarly orange and fuzzy.

A far sight better than Ibiza Hippie, which is nice, seriously, but it smells like a Strawberry Shortcake doll and is not worth the $50 or whatever they charged.

If you must have a limited-edition fruity fragrance, get something from the Victoria's Secret Garden collection. They cycle through fragrances faster than members of Menudo, and they all have names only slightly more cheesier than Escada's. And they all smell, as a Vicky's Secret sales associate charmingly put it, "like sweaty kids and Kool-Aid."

But everyone who wants Rockin' Rio probably won't be dissuaded by me. And they've probably already bought theirs, leaving you lucky fellows to buy it for cheap. Try Froogling it.

Ugh. I feel dirty in an especially fruity way. I wouldn't have reviewed this one if I hadn't received a free sample at Ulta.

Funny, You Don't Smell Cheap

Hello, everybody. I just finished the new Harry Potter, and I'm reading it again to make sure I didn't miss anything. By the way, the "error" on page 485? So not an error. Slughorn never gets Ron's name right. Duh.

That's not really a spoiler, by the way. Also, this is not a spoiler either: One of the new potions smells different to each individual: it smells like whatever their favorite scent is. Oh man, I want to be a wizard perfumer when I grow up. Why am I a Muggle?

By the way, years ago on All That I saw a Harry Potter parody skit which took place in Professor Chafe's Magical Lotions class, and Professor Chafe was always so cranky and mean because his thighs chafed, and he needed to invent a magical lotion to stop the chafing. I tried to find a transcript, but with no luck.

At any rate, with all this reading going on, it's kind of hard to find good things to smell. But here we go anyway:

If you love Prada eau de parfum, but find it too expensive, consider the refill, at $65 for 2.7 oz. Refills are always cheaper; it's just a matter of whether you prefer the nice packaging (or whether the refill is useable without it). Maybe you can find an empty bottle and split some Prada with your best friend. You'll have to work out custody of the cute Prada funnel for yourselves, though.

Also, Shalimar is available for cheap at every TJ Maxx in the universe. It's worth the $14, really. Full review coming soon.

If you're looking for something really cheap, though, check out Herbal Essences' Citrus Lift, at drugstores and Volde-Mart ("The Store That Must Not Be Named"). Smells kinda like a fruity green-tea smoothie.

And there's The Healing Garden's new Organics Wild Honey line. The little tester bottle in the display smells a little like honey, but once you spray it, it really doesn't. But it's still a lovely fragrance that's not too heavy, sultry, loud, overpowering, or cheap-smelling. You know that the "72% Organic" means that the remaining 28% is made out of the hearts of the endangered Bowtied Duckfoot Adoracubby. Also, why is Jewel the spokesperson? Jewel is dumb.

On a whim, I picked up some Axe shower gel in Essence or some such scent. I'm assuming it will help me pick up chicks. Which brings me to...

Exciting Announcement! I'm looking for guys who will help research this so-called "Axe Effect." If you write well, are easily persuaded by cheap advertising, think Maxim is classy, enjoy picking up chicks, and want to become a wildly (or mildly) famous contributor to Diversey Stinks, email me for the chance to participate in an exciting, barely-scientific study! No, don't comment. Email. Email.

Lush - More Flying Fox products

I meant to tell y'all that the awesome nasal assault that is Flying Fox shower gel is now available in shampoo and solid perfume forms (as well as the sparkly bath bomb). I'm not quite sure why they have a separate shampoo, since Flying Fox shower gel can be used to wash your hair, but there you go. I own the "temple balm"--seriously, do not actually use it on your temples unless you want to lose your sense of smell, because that stuff is strong. A little dab'll do ya. I mean, if you want to get back at someone, you might rub the entire tin of temple balm into their hair while they're sleeping. But if you want to be (and smell) nice, just use a tiny tiny bit.

Lush usually has new products on their website first, and they show up in stores a few weeks later. Flying Fox balm should be in all Lush stores, but I haven't seen the shampoo anywhere but online.

I Don't Like Perfume Very Much Either

Christopher Brosius--formerly of Kiehl's, co-founder of Demeter and the guy behind the new and heavily-hyped CB I Hate Perfume line--is getting a lot of press as of late. (Thanks to my girl Lura for the link.) Now Smell This (a way more thorough and informative blog than mine, and recommended reading) has an interesting interview with him.

I don't think I like Brosius very much. I can't really put my finger on why. But anyone who had a hand in creating Cumming can't be all that bad.

For outre fragrances, I'm more drawn to Comme des Garcons. I'm not sure who the perfumer is, and I don't feel like searching, but I'm kinda in love with CdG's Rei Kawakubo.

I did just receive a whole ton of Demeter samples the other day. Should be interesting.

Chanel - No. 19

I've always had a thing for strange numbers and measurements, like the "Speed Limit 27 MPH" sign in my hometown, or 67-watt light bulbs. So I thought it would be cool to wear one of the non-No. 5 Chanel fragrances as my signature scent.

Alas, not 19, because it smells like bourbon and baby powder.

Which, by the way, is the absolute worst thing you can smell when it's 8 in the morning, you didn't sleep well the night before, and you haven't had breakfast.

The Celebrity Dork Curse

dahli9 asks: Do you visit your fan sites?

jessica_alba_17: I have seen them a few times, and I'm really flattered! I can't believe anyone would spend any kind of time on me because I'm such a dork!! :-)

One more curse before I go on vacation: The Celebrity Dork Curse.

How it works is this: Whenever a good-looking celebrity claims to be "such a dork," or to have been one while growing up, something will happen to prove s/he actually is such a dork, and the public will witness it.

For example, Jessica Alba would be photographed picking her nose and eating it, or getting rejected by a Xena lookalike at a Star Trek convention.

Soi-disant dork Britney Spears has already been hit pretty hard by this curse.

All right, I'm outta here until next week!

Vacation!

Diversey Stinks will be on vacation until July 14. Happy Bastille Day!

Coming up: More Demeterpalooza.

Demeter - Wet Garden and Flower Show

It's pretty evident that I love perfume. I love scented everything, pantiliners excluded. I love the chapter in Fast Food Nation where the author visits International Flavors & Fragrances and learns about the flavoring industry. I think you're supposed to be grossed out that the flavors and scents of just about everything are created in a lab, but I find it fascinating. Maybe I should work there.

However, I couldn't help but think, "If they can synthesize the flavor of grilled onions and olives and french fries, why can't they get a good banana flavor?" I kind of like banana candy, but it tastes like chemicals.

I feel the same way about some floral fragrances. There is no better scent than outdoor plants, flowers, and grasses in springtime, where you can't really tell where the fragrance is coming from.

Perfume, on the other hand, is like a flower kicking you in the nose.

I'm undecided about Demeter's Wet Garden. Sometimes it smells so real, but other times it's kind of the Pamela Anderson of flowers. It's complex, and light (yet strong), and green. It's a little overpowering, and not as earthy as I'd hoped, but it's still a good floral.

I really like Flower Show at first sniff. Surprisingly, it's not as complex as it sounds; it's mostly rose. For the first couple of minutes, it smells exactly like real roses in a rose garden. As it wears on, it deepens, and becomes a rose-perfume scent. I have wondered if maybe I just have a different (and wrong?) perception of what roses smell like. To me, they smell light and sweet, sometimes like conversation hearts, so most rose perfumes disappoint me.

I have found my ideal rose scent, though. It's The Healing Garden Green Tea line. Yeah, I don't get it either. Perhaps this is what they mean by tea roses? I'm really not sure.

I like to wear Wet Garden and Flower Show together. I'm not sure if they actually go together, but they are similar, and authentic enough to put me in a springy state of mind.

It'll be interesting to see what other Demeter florals smell like. I'm beginning to think that with Demeter, the more unperfumelike the scent is, the more true-to-life it is.

Demeter - Earthworm

Like Dirt, but better. I think a lot more people would recognize this as a "dirt" fragrance than the original Dirt. Lasting power isn't so great, but hey, that's Demeter for you.

I don't know what actual earthworms smell like. I remember from kid-school that they have five hearts, and I think if you want to cut a worm in half and have it survive, each side has to include some hearts. I didn't know they were hermaphrodites.

Ebay usually has tons of great Demeter stuff.