Britney Spears - In Control

Really.

In Control follows two obnoxiously popular fragrance trends: the Celebrity Fragrance, and the Spinoff Fragrance (see also: Miami Glow and Love at First Glow, we get it, J. Lo). I keep wanting to call this "In Curious."

Britney, you can't even put on shoes before you leave the house. No perfume launch is going to convince me that you're in control of anything.

Frederic Malle - Lipstick Rose

Okay okay okay OKAY I am the laziest blogger that has ever blogged a blog, and I apologize for not stinking as much as I should.

See, the reason is that anytime something I do requires effort, it stops being fun, which is why I am terrible at following my dreams and achieving my goals.

The other reason is that I have been wearing Lipstick Rose just about every day for the past forever, and my life is now complete.

You can get the Frederic Malle Editions de Parfum at Barneys, but their shipping is like $12 so you might want to check Ebay first.

Today I tried on MAC Violetrix (which is not on their website right now, so I'm confused) and Prescriptives Calyx and they both have a little bit of a wax-crayon undertone, which I like. Maybe I'm crazy.

Oh, and Beyonce's apparently going to be at the Marshall Field's on State Street in Chicago next Tuesday. But I probably won't.

Axe - Play or Be Played??

I just received the most charming email from Axe today:

Hi. It’s your friends from AXE and we’ve noticed that you’ve been spreading the good word about us lately in your blog.

So to say thanks; we’d like to send you some of your favorite AXE products or better yet, exclusive or limited-edition AXE fragrances before they hit shelves. Let us know if you’re interested by simply replying to this email and we’ll start sending you the goods. Just include your name, age, email and address if you’d like to receive some AXE advantages.

In addition, AXE is doing some really unique stuff that we want to let you in on, especially since you’ve been so nice to us. We want to give you the heads up about the latest AXE adventure. Basically, AXE asked two regular guys, best friends Evan and Gareth, to spend 3,688 hours of their lives picking-up girls in seven cities across the country – talk about the ultimate road trip.

Better yet, Evan and Gareth’s job (if that’s what you’d call it) is to test out different pick-up moves on girls and record them on their vlog for all eyes to see. They’re like seduction crash test dummies, taking hits for guys everywhere. They just left the craziness of Vegas and they’re heading to New York City as we speak; you should check it out – EvanandGareth.com.

Below is a link that will take you to three Evan and Gareth videos. The “Talkback” clip gives you the breakdown of how the Evan and Gareth story began and the other two videos will give you the first look (because nobody likes sloppy seconds) at some of the scandalous Evan and Gareth footage that isn’t on the site just yet, but will be soon.

In “The Seduce-O-Rama,” you’ll see Lars and Broch, two guys AXE brought in to compete against Evan and Gareth, throwing around their game. AXE thought Evan and Gareth were getting a bit sloppy, and there’s no room for that in the hook-up game. And finally, in “Doing The Monkeybang” you’ll find out who came out on top with the ladies at the end of the night.

http://66.226.84.62/blogger_videos.zip [Note: I'm too terrified to click on this, so proceed at your own risk.]

And as another way of saying thanks; we’d love to send you some exclusive AXE goods, such as pre-released videos or never-seen-before ads, which all your friends will be vying for. Just let us know if you’re in and stay tuned for more AXE sneak peaks [sic].

Peace.

AXE

Oh god.

Jennifer Lopez also has a new fragrance out. It smells like green apple barf. Celebrities can't do anything right.

I saw a TV commercial for Fantasy last night, starring Britney and Kevin. I don't think I need to comment on the concept of Kevin Federline being anyone's fantasy.

Finally, Celine Dion knows where I live. A few days ago, out of the blue, I got a sample card of two of her fragrances in the mail.

Don't y'all know I don't like you?

Britney Spears - Fantasy

As I mentioned this morning, today Fantasy Britney Spears, or Britney Spears' Fantasy, or whatever, hits the stores. I still think the bottle is horrid. The box it comes in is real pretty, though.

And here's the surprise: it smells pretty good.

It's a fruity fragrance, which is strange considering its fall launch. Sorta tropical-pineappley. It's light and not at all overpowering; on the other hand, it's not too different from what you might find at Victoria's Secret. It stays nice on the drydown: still fruity, with a little bit of brown sugar.

I don't smell the cupcakes at all.

$45 for a small bottle, $55 for a big one. Your local department store is sure to have it.

Britney Spears Launches Baby, Perfume

Congratulations to Britney Spears on the birth of lil' Kozie! Or whatever his name is; I bet it'll start with a K. Kitney Spederfine?

I promise this is relevant. From E! Online:

The arrival of Spears' baby nearly coincides with Thursday's launch of Spears' new fragrance. In a note to fans, the singer described Fantasy Britney Spears as a "completely magical" blend of "enchanting scents and flavors," with "a hint of cupcakes."

Oh my gawd, that's TODAY! I'm gonna do some research. I do love cupcakes.

...By the way, is anyone else disturbed about the pattern of rhinestones across the neck of the bottle that looks creepily similar to a Confederate flag?

Guess - Eau de Parfum

I remember when Guess was the coolest label, when "designer jeans" automatically meant Guess, when $60 seemed like an insane price for a pair of jeans but, like, totally worth it.

I was nine.

Guess is no longer cool. The Guess of the new millenium is derivative and tacky. Guess is the reason why the popular girls laugh at the girls with Gs printed all over their handbags. Guess is what you get when you can't afford taste, and baby, they sell taste at Old Navy, so what's your excuse?

Guess is for girls who were abandoned by their mothers and raised by Lindsay Lohan.

You may protest that of course Guess is still cool; after all, they have a new fragrance out this fall. Which... you're calling this blend of air-freshener floral and Play-Doh a fragrance? And who designed that bottle? I'm so grossed out by it that I can't think of an appropriately cutting comment regarding the designer's taste and/or eyesight problems.

In short, some perfumes just make you want to kick puppies. This is one of them.

And by the way, 7 For All Mankind, this is your future. Best to quit while you're ahead.

Fresh Scents by Terri - Zoe

I have turned into a deadbeat blogger. Oh my gawd.

And the timber industry is apparently interested in my writing. Anybody want some penn,y st0cXs? I didn't think so. You also don't want to be |@nger and str@n;ger for your w@man, because your self-esteem is good enough as it is, you value proper spelling, and you hate spam. Sorry; I'm seething.

Terri's got a good Fresh Scent going on with Zoe; the official description is basically "musk, musk, and more musk," but this stuff smells nice and clean. Just... just nice and clean; it doesn't smell like anything to me. Great stuff, not overpowering at all, lifts the spirits.

Did Fresh Scents By Terri go up in price recently? I'm not sure. I hear all the cool kids like this stuff, though.

Sarah Jessica Parker - Lovely

I'm dragging my feet here, I know, and I'm sorry. It's the middle of summer, it's hot, and the last thing I want to do is smell anything. Nevertheless, we're moving onward.

I've always thought that if celebrities wanted their own clothing lines, perfumes, and so on, they shouldn't be allowed to put their name on it. It's just so much more credible that way. I'm no celebrity, but if I were, and believe me I have given this quite a bit of thought, I'd want to have a major hand in designing the clothes or the perfume, and not have my name anywhere on the label, but maybe have a press release mentioning my name in conjunction with the brand. That way, people would hopefully know that I was actually interested in the creative process behind the product, not making yet more money or turning my name into a brand.

Sarah Jessica Parker has not gone that particular route.

Part of me wants to like Sarah Jessica Parker for showing the world that women with a face like my middle-school science teacher can indeed be glamorous, and for setting a new standard for fashion. Each day before I leave the house, I ask myself, "Has Sarah Jessica Parker ever worn something at least this ridiculous and unflattering on Sex and the City?" If the answer is yes, I'm free to go.

But I simply can't like her. I have a lot of trouble distinguishing her from her SATC character, Carrie, with her squeaky voice and assy column-writing and shoe closet stuffed with neuroses. I want to slap Carrie, and I want to smack the show for popularizing the trend of girly drinks posing as legitimate martinis. (I call 'em fifis, because they're fluffy and I refuse to call them martinis.)

So I will never like Lovely. Because it's a celebrity fragrance, because it smells like apple martini (excuse me, you mean applefifi), and because LOOK AT THAT UGLY-ASS AVON REJECT BOTTLE.

Also, it smells too much like that cheap J. Lo fragrance.

Diptyque - L'Ombre Dans L'Eau - Update

When I last updated, I'd tried out some L'Ombre Dans L'Eau. I got some of it on my watch band, and I think it's important to note that my watch still smelled good a week later. I can still smell it on my watch, barely. It's quite a lovely fruity-rosy scent.

I'm not sure if this is widely practiced, but I recommend applying fragrance to clothing rather than to skin, provided the fabric won't react weirdly to the ingredients. This is especially useful if you have a perfume you like that smells funny when it reacts with your skin. In fact, it's the only way I can wear Angel.

By the way, Marshall Field's has a new collection of candles; I forget the brand name, but it's something weird. They're expensive and the only one that smells any good is Chai Tea, so it's really not important that anyone know the name. So.