Sarah Jessica Parker - Lovely

I'm dragging my feet here, I know, and I'm sorry. It's the middle of summer, it's hot, and the last thing I want to do is smell anything. Nevertheless, we're moving onward.

I've always thought that if celebrities wanted their own clothing lines, perfumes, and so on, they shouldn't be allowed to put their name on it. It's just so much more credible that way. I'm no celebrity, but if I were, and believe me I have given this quite a bit of thought, I'd want to have a major hand in designing the clothes or the perfume, and not have my name anywhere on the label, but maybe have a press release mentioning my name in conjunction with the brand. That way, people would hopefully know that I was actually interested in the creative process behind the product, not making yet more money or turning my name into a brand.

Sarah Jessica Parker has not gone that particular route.

Part of me wants to like Sarah Jessica Parker for showing the world that women with a face like my middle-school science teacher can indeed be glamorous, and for setting a new standard for fashion. Each day before I leave the house, I ask myself, "Has Sarah Jessica Parker ever worn something at least this ridiculous and unflattering on Sex and the City?" If the answer is yes, I'm free to go.

But I simply can't like her. I have a lot of trouble distinguishing her from her SATC character, Carrie, with her squeaky voice and assy column-writing and shoe closet stuffed with neuroses. I want to slap Carrie, and I want to smack the show for popularizing the trend of girly drinks posing as legitimate martinis. (I call 'em fifis, because they're fluffy and I refuse to call them martinis.)

So I will never like Lovely. Because it's a celebrity fragrance, because it smells like apple martini (excuse me, you mean applefifi), and because LOOK AT THAT UGLY-ASS AVON REJECT BOTTLE.

Also, it smells too much like that cheap J. Lo fragrance.