Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Old Stuff: The Truth About The Truth About Diamonds

I have been periodically coming across things I've written in the past and want to keep around. This is one of them.

Last year, during a fit of boredom and "it was there," I read The Truth About Diamonds, the "novel" that "Nicole Richie" "wrote." It was about as good as you'd expect it to be. Although Nicole certainly seemed smarter than Paris during that one season of The Simple Life I watched, I have some doubts about her ability to write complete sentences, much less a novel comprising thousands of them.

Behold the unedited manuscript of the first chapter of The Truth About Diamonds:

The truth abt diamands by Nicole Richie (a novel) (which means its not true i made it up!!!!)
chapter one: chloe parker goes to the club and has a sticky sitaiton

Once upon a time chloe parker was a very rich girl who lived in la. she was only in her early twenties and wore a size zero in gautier but a size 00 when she went to kitson and maybe like a size 22 in hudson jeans but I forgot if those come in sizes like zero or those weird sizes with high numbers like in englad. her mom was a supermoddel from and her daddy was a very welthy rich person who owned a rock band, i mean a rock label. she grew up knowing all the celebreties of the time becuase she her parents were a supermodel and owned a record label so she met all the rock stars and singers and moddels and movie actors. and she always got to go to all the most poplar places and wore the best clothes. chloe parker was 5?2 and 2 inches tall and had blond hair that she got hiligted at the best salons in ny and la evry two weeks and blue eyes that were the same color of blue as the pacfic ocean. (chloe parker spelled her name with two .. dots over the o but I dont no how to type the .. over the o. i thougt about putting om the side but it looks stupid like chlo..e parker.
chloe parker it was a gorgeus summer day in la when she woke up one day. it was a beautiful day and she decided to go shopping. but first she met with her personel traner to workout. sha also and then she go to get a manacure. at the best nails place in los angales. her nails were so pretty. "look my nails are so pretty! she said." she drank three redbulls and vodka and haveing a lot of fun. oh ya she was at the club now. and this hott guy was checking her out.
"hello hott guy my name is chloe parker" she said.
he looked at her. "cohle ive heard so much about you! is it true what they say in the tabliods that ur the it girl and the most hott girl in all of la?"
chloe flip her perfectly hilited hair and took one step in her feet with christain lobouboutian shoes on them that were $600. her dress from missoni which is so in right now and all the other girls were jelous."yes its true I am the it girl," chloe said with a tinkely laugh.
"my name is jarod james" said the hott guy. he had six pac abs and a tight watchboard stomach. he had goerges brown eyes and brown hair and that hair on guys faces when they don't shave for like a day but not for too long so theres only a little, and it looked really hott.
"jared james?????" said chloe. who was surprised but she was too cool to let on. "aren't u in that band that evryone likes. fireburn. that is the number one band in the world and the best record of the year?"
jared james strocked his chin that looked like it wasnt been shaved for the day. "yes i am the lead singer of fireburn. it is hard to be a talented musican. and it is hard to so popular and always on tour."
"i know" chole said "it is so busy i cant find time to ever relax and have fun because i am so busy all the time. i cant even find a boyfriend even though my publiscist say i should one."
"really" jerod james looked deeply at chloe and strocked his fingers though his hair. "thats hard to beleive, becuase ur the most beautiful girl in all of hollwood and new york. would u like to go to st barts this weekend and date?"
chloe was so happy that she felt like she must of been the happyest girl in the whole world and maybe the uneverse. "i love st barts" she said. "maybe" she said then because guys like it when you dont say yes right away plus it makes you look cool and not desprite.
"ur very cool u no?" jarod james said to chloe with a love in his eyes.
all of the sudden just then the door to the ladys bathroom in the club just burst open and a skinny girl with mystic tan and a dior outfit that was black and white and sparkelly burst out from the door of the bathroom! she looked very very scared.
"chloe parker come quick!!" she siad. linsay lohan is unconcous because she just overdossed on cocane!!!!!!"

Old Stuff: Seemingly Obvious (But Apparently Not) Rules of Fashion

I have been periodically coming across things I've written in the past and want to keep around. This is one of them.

(...I realize that all of these so far are geared toward women. I don't mean to be sexist, it's just that I'm more familiar with women's fashion transgressions.)

1. With the exception of undergarments, never wear anything within three shades of your skin tone.
2. If a garment is wider than it is long, it will make you look wide.
3. Fewer people than you think care how much your jeans cost.
4. In public, no one can tell what size your clothes are. However, everyone can tell when they're too small.
5. Flowy, lightweight knit garments are very comfortable. Sometimes they are flattering. Many times they simply show whether your bra fits, the exact location of your cellulite, and how much you should have tipped your bikini waxer. Wear with caution.
6. Either you put on makeup before you leave the house, or you go without. Seriously, don't apply mascara on the train.
7. There are zero compelling reasons to wear white pants and about eight hundred reasons not to wear them.
8. The following should NEVER be noticeable: lipliner, blush, eyebrow grooming, deliberate tanning, presence or absence of undergarments, tooth whitening, cosmetic surgery.
9. Use the same judgment in exposing your lower abdomen as with your cleavage. (For the remedial class, this means NOT AT WORK.)
10. Unless you have a legitimate medical reason otherwise, KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED. You
could look like Audrey Hepburn with your lips together, but that weird toothy grimace will only draw comparisons to Napoleon Dynamite and sharks.
11. If you dress in an attention-seeking way, you will get attention. And it's not guaranteed to be positive.
12. Pants with lettering across the butt cheeks are never acceptable on anyone, ever, regardless of age or gender or size. It doesn't matter whether "Dolce & Gabbana" or "Harvard Alumni" is written across your ass; the message will invariably be something like "Ask Me About My Backdoor Siesta Rates."
13. A skirt is only as long as its highest slit.
14. It's easier, cheaper, and often more attractive to work with your natural features than to try and change them.
15. Thongs create more problems than they solve and should be used only as a last resort.
16. Rhinestones and sequins do not automatically make clothes classier or dressier, and in fact frequently have the opposite effect.

More rules to come.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Realistic Naked Action

Yesterday, a naked woman asked me where I got my underwear.

...I like saying it like that, removing the context and reducing the details so that it's still true, but sounds completely absurd. Like the time I was in an airplane that, while still in the gate, had a "ground incident" where a passing truck clipped its wing. (It was kind of frightening to see how much damage the wing took from it.) It's not completely inaccurate to say that I survived a collision in a plane. Or, more accurately and succinctly, my plane got hit by a truck.

So it probably makes it sound less crazy when I specify that the naked woman and I were in the locker room at the gym.

Though I'm not sure the context made it any less awkward. I'm not used to talking to strangers even when they're clothed. What do you say in return when a naked person compliments your undies? "I like your butt"?

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Knit amigurumi condoms!

I do sometimes make things that impress even myself.

Knit condoms!

For novelty purposes only. Not to be used as a contraceptive. Will not prevent transmission of STDs. But you probably figured that out yourself, right?

I knit these over a year ago, and I am still convinced they are the greatest things I've ever made. They are approximately the right size, if a little short when unrolled. I will make more one day, perhaps to sell in clever adult toy boutiques if anyone wants any.

Pattern: self-created pattern
Needles: size 0 dpns
Yarn: Dalegarn Stork (left), Knit Picks Simple Stripes (right)
Size: *snicker*
Finished: 2006

Look for the pattern in a future post, though anyone who's knit a hat in the round will likely figure this out just from the picture.

Two things I almost ate today but didn't

1. Mini-cupcakes from 7-Eleven with "CHOCOLATE BUTTER CREEM" [sic] frosting.

2. M&Ms from a large bag in the kitchen, labeled "Medium Bag."

Judging from the packaging alone, it's probably a good idea I put neither in my mouth.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

It's been a while!

Fear not, I'm still smelling and looking as good as ever. Check me out on Puffery, a group project where we discuss all the products that appeal to our girly sensibilities.

Additionally, keep an eye on the Diverseyspace for a redesign and repurposing. It won't happen overnight, but if I get off my lazy duff, it will happen one day.