Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Old Stuff: Seemingly Obvious (But Apparently Not) Rules of Fashion

I have been periodically coming across things I've written in the past and want to keep around. This is one of them.

(...I realize that all of these so far are geared toward women. I don't mean to be sexist, it's just that I'm more familiar with women's fashion transgressions.)

1. With the exception of undergarments, never wear anything within three shades of your skin tone.
2. If a garment is wider than it is long, it will make you look wide.
3. Fewer people than you think care how much your jeans cost.
4. In public, no one can tell what size your clothes are. However, everyone can tell when they're too small.
5. Flowy, lightweight knit garments are very comfortable. Sometimes they are flattering. Many times they simply show whether your bra fits, the exact location of your cellulite, and how much you should have tipped your bikini waxer. Wear with caution.
6. Either you put on makeup before you leave the house, or you go without. Seriously, don't apply mascara on the train.
7. There are zero compelling reasons to wear white pants and about eight hundred reasons not to wear them.
8. The following should NEVER be noticeable: lipliner, blush, eyebrow grooming, deliberate tanning, presence or absence of undergarments, tooth whitening, cosmetic surgery.
9. Use the same judgment in exposing your lower abdomen as with your cleavage. (For the remedial class, this means NOT AT WORK.)
10. Unless you have a legitimate medical reason otherwise, KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED. You
could look like Audrey Hepburn with your lips together, but that weird toothy grimace will only draw comparisons to Napoleon Dynamite and sharks.
11. If you dress in an attention-seeking way, you will get attention. And it's not guaranteed to be positive.
12. Pants with lettering across the butt cheeks are never acceptable on anyone, ever, regardless of age or gender or size. It doesn't matter whether "Dolce & Gabbana" or "Harvard Alumni" is written across your ass; the message will invariably be something like "Ask Me About My Backdoor Siesta Rates."
13. A skirt is only as long as its highest slit.
14. It's easier, cheaper, and often more attractive to work with your natural features than to try and change them.
15. Thongs create more problems than they solve and should be used only as a last resort.
16. Rhinestones and sequins do not automatically make clothes classier or dressier, and in fact frequently have the opposite effect.

More rules to come.

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