Dessert Treats - Butterscotch Toffee and Creamsicle

I remember a simpler time. A time when singers were singers, actors were actors, perfumers were perfumers, and reality TV stars were... nonexistent. A time when children were safe from the horrors of flavored novelty lotions and gels, which were seldom seen outside of boutiques specializing in "marital aids."

And then Jessica Simpson came along and ruined everything.

First, Jessica's original "Dessert" line. At first, I was overjoyed! Finally, a collection of bath and body products that could simultaneously induce nausea, rashes, and yeast infections, available to young women everywhere! And affordably packaged, so that...

Hold up a minute, Jess. What do you mean, $32 for that Deliciously Kissable Hair and Body Mist? That bottle looks like it could crack after five spritzes. Never mind that I don't exactly need my hair to be deliciously kissable.

Fortunately for us cheapskates, Jessica listened to our pleas, and released the slightly more affordable Dessert Treats line, which is available in fine stores such as Claire's Accessories and Walgreens. Although I couldn't afford that $32 hair and body mist, now I can get the same thing, plus shimmer, for only $18!

By the way, the $18 body mist is about half the size of the $32 mist. But, like I said, it has shimmer.

Imagine my surprise when I walked into the drugstore one day and saw a cardboard Ms. Simpson staring back at me with that seductive "'come...hit her?' But I don't want to be hit!" glare. I couldn't resist. I was powerless. I was hypnotized by Cardboard Jessica.

And soon enough, I was $35 poorer.

Let's talk about this "Deliciously Kissable Body Frosting," shall we? It's clear and pearly and gooey, and I don't know if it can be considered lotion. I don't think it does a tremendous job of moisturizing. It doesn't really shimmer, either. And it takes a mighty long time to soak into the skin. The lids are that weird silvery-coated plastic that, more often than not, looks cheap, and I know that one of the bottles has a typo on the back, but I forget what that typo is, because I'm trying to forget I own this crap.

I have two flavors of "Deliciously" "Kissable" Body Frosting: Butterscotch Frosting and Creamsicle. I bought Butterscotch because I'd decided that none of the other flavors were any good, and I bought Creamsicle a little later, because I thought I really needed a creamsicle fragrance. It turns out I was right the first time.

In the bottle, Butterscotch Toffee smells exactly like the butterscotch chips you use to make Oatmeal Scotchies, which are the greatest cookies in the universe. You know, for the longest time, I couldn't taste the difference between butterscotch chips and peanut butter chips; ditto butterscotch and caramel ice cream toppings. Creamsicle smells like, well, a creamsicle. If you put either one on your skin and then lick your skin, it tastes like aspartame.

But do they smell any good when you wear them? I put Butterscotch Toffee on one arm, Creamsicle on the other, waited ten minutes, and then sniffed.

Butterscotch Toffee smells like it does in the bottle, only with a very distinct Tyvek envelope note. Not sexy.

Creamsicle smells like a Tyvek envelope died three weeks ago and killed my entire arm with it.

Please, for the love of all things sweet-smelling, if you ever encounter the Dessert Treats display, DO NOT LOOK INTO CARDBOARD JESSICA'S EYES. You will regret it. And no one will want to smell or lick your arms ever again, except for maybe vultures and dung beetles.

You can purchase the complete Dessert line at Sephora, though I'm really not sure why you'd want to. If you absolutely insist on having flavored junk licked off your arms, I highly recommend Urban Decay Flavored Body Powders instead. Or just buy a can of Redi-Wip.