Friday, May 06, 2005

The Bath Lounge - Cosmopolitan 3-in-1 Bath Cocktail

All right, folks. In celebration of violet, the It Fragrance, the New Green Tea, Monday will be dedicated to reviews of violet-fragranced products. Expect at least five reviews throughout the day.

Today, I've got a cheapo drugstore find, the Cosmopolitan "Martini" all-purpose bath gel by The Bath Lounge.

"Martini" is in quotes because, y'all, cosmopolitans are not martinis. I don't care what your Sex and the City DVDs say. Martinis contain gin, vermouth, and olives. And that's it. If it's missing more than one of those ingredients, it's not a martini. If your drink is pastel-colored or opaque, it is definitely not a martini. From the Wikipedia article:

Sometimes the term "Martini" is used to refer to other mostly-hard-liquor cocktails such as Manhattans, Cosmopolitans, and ad-hoc or local conconctions whose only commonality with the drink is the cocktail glass in which they are served. Chefs with a more whimsical bent are even producing dessert "Martinis" which are not a drink at all, but are merely served in Martini glasses.

By the way, one of my favorite things to do when I'm on a bus and bored out of my mind is invent fake trendy martinis. For example, the Breakfastini: vodka with a splash of maple syrup, garnished with a slice of bacon. Or the Thaitini: vodka, coconut milk, and lemongrass, garnished with shrimp.

So then, strike one against the Cosmopolitan bath "martini" is that IT'S NOT A MARTINI DAMMIT. Strike two is, well, who wants to smell like an alcoholic drink? I guess a lot of people, if the popularity of certain Demeter products is any indication. Fine, go ahead and fail your breathalyzers for all I care. Smell like a drunk, even if you're a teetotaler. What a terrible idea.

But this stuff doesn't smell like booze! It smells like Easter candy. I don't know what Easter candy. Maybe those speckled jelly bird eggs? Or those big eggs that look like oversized jelly beans but have that weird sugary marshmallowy middle? Honestly, I wouldn't have bought this if it didn't smell like candy.

In fact, I'm strongly considering ripping off the "Cosmopolitan martini" label and writing "EASTER CANDY BATH STUFF" in Sharpie on the bottle, but I probably won't, because the girl in the drawing on the label looks like Terra Branford in the tub. (I like Final Fantasy. I'm a nerd. Shut up.)

One more thing: even though it says it's a shampoo/conditioner as well as a shower gel/bubble bath, I don't think I'll be putting it in my hair anytime soon. I like keeping my shampoos and my shower gels separate. I'm fussy that way.

The Bath Lounge bath cocktails are about $7 for an enormous 16-ounce bottle, available at drugstores. There are six scents in all, three "tropical" and three "[fruity drinks served in] martini [glasses and thus incorrectly labeled as such]," but the other five aren't worth bothering with. Trust me.

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