Monday, May 16, 2005

Bond No. 9 - Sample Card Text

Thanks to Ebay, I have twelve different samples of trendy Bond No. 9 fragrances. Yes, someone actually thought smelling like New York would be a good idea. I can't imagine this concept succeeding if the theme city were Chicago. Even the Gold Coast, where I briefly lived, smells like garbage and pee.

So I think Bond No. 9 is lying to us. 'Cause everyone's your friend in New York City, and everything smells like orange blossoms when you're young and pretty, &c.

Anyway, this Ebayer sent along a sample card with these samples (which, by the way, are wrapped in colored foil, like candy, and just so cute), and there's a long description of the fragrance concept, and for some reason I think it's really funny, so I'm just going to transcribe some of my favorite parts, including bold and italics.

Here goes:

"Instructions for use: Unwrap. Open vial. Breathe in. Congratulations! You have just caught a whiff of New York....Like nothing before it, Bond No. 9 captures in scents the sights, sounds, and nonstop, in-your-face energy of Manhattan. Here is the incomparable beauty and derring-do of our island metropolis, distilled in liquid form."

(The word "derring-do" is not used nearly enough in conversation these days.)

"[I]ts bold aromatic agenda comes out of a grand New York tradition of taking risks and breaking the mold."

"From the most audacious (and several are very audacious) to the wittiest and most whimsical, each scent expresses a courage, a gutsiness, that captures (as in a genie's bottle) the uncompromising spirit of this fast-paced, kaleidoscopic city that lives in the grand scale. Bong [ha ha ha oops that's a typo it really says "Bond"] No. 9 conveys a savvy assurance that says, Yes...this is the place to be...this is the scent to wear."

Doesn't that last sentence sound like Mary Alice from Desperate Housewives? Actually, all of it kind of does. Just replace all instances of "Bong [oh I keep doing it ha ha ha] No. 9" or "New York" with "Wisteria Lane." "Yes, Bree liked to live in the grand scale. But her incomparable beauty and derring-do was not enough for Rex."

Anyway, expect reviews of this bold aromatic agenda in the near future.


Anonymous said...

OMG SO DRAMATIC. i bet the newyorkness of it makes you swoon. how could you live anywhere else after smelling that?
i bet bong 1-8 smelled like the real new york. "bong #2: Staten Island Port Authority Elevator that Smells Suspiciously Like Pee and Illegal Druggery"!
i'm not as funny as i think i am today. this is because i have run out of cheeze nips.

Diversey said...

"Bong No. 1: Dead Rat in South Bronx Alley."

Costco has lots of Cheeze Nips!

Anonymous said...

"Bong #3 3/4: Khavkhalash Cart with Hints of Mountain Dew and Krab Juice from Battery Park Street Vendor"

no bowl! stick! stick!